Day Four

Okey dokes…I do tend to remember to do this the millisecond before bed…But hey, how I do this is how I do much in my life. I don’t commit to a lot, or have had struggles, or comfort, or lack of familiarity doing so, so this is a positive habit-the habit of dedication…Today has been interesting…A very perplex, but positive day…It began with…Feeling compelled to have a big breakfast, even though I wasn’t hungry, so I tried to test that urge. I had water, something light, and then watched a ted talk on shame, where I learned how guilt is when we think we did something wrong, and feel bad about it, where shame is a general principle of bad, that we aspire to find the best in us, but find difficulty consistently doing so..how those who view things as a situation gone unexpected, as oppose to a general reinforcement of an already questionable belief…that is is situation, not absolute…that we can realize we just f’ed up on this, and that it shouldn’t effect us down the line, or even completely in this moment, that we can see it as a mistake, which we can overcome, not a part of us we can’t solve…

after words I had breakfast, and tried my best to stick to more of a schedule…might I add, this was after coming off a mighty sleep, which I believe is on the up and up! 🙂

I ate eggs and sausages slowly…alot of the day was trying to do less, and find more happiness in it…not a lot of multitasking, even though I had more sleep..ironic, but still felt good. I ate breakfast which was great,then bought groceries with the lovely cashier there…I did laundry which is in my building, and enjoyed one of the last sunny days of the year…I did a workout in the park, less physical then I perhaps intended, but more meditative…I got to enjoy the sun and find a sweet balance in still doing my task, but adapting it in a way that served both the immediate pleasure, and the total goal..afterwords, I indulged in my salad. Say what you want its was very healthy, and has really extended my run of healthy food quite a while…which has saved my wallet, time, and has given me a lot of energy which I can feel…it allows me to get more work done, which gives me validation. I felt for along time depleted of my energy, and to have a resurge, is a great inspiring motivating feeling…i got to work, and we ecstatic to work an stock, finally…suprisingly it re introduced me to the pleasures of working on the floor, I guess I just needed to witness it from another angle…i felt really estatic to talk to members, to hang clothes, and to be there,…the co workers really make work a joy, and the comradery of work is a really priceless feeling…the world is structured so uniquely…and being free and being forced to work can both be different feelings then one would expect…we somewhat are forced to work, but thats fine right, it can be a joy…a social playground to test theories and ideas…im not sure I have much more to say…well I talked to emily after listening to a podcast that really re framed things for me…I felt interested in her, and in trying to make her feel good, and that feeling ACTUALLY made me feel good, cause when she felt good, we talked…i learned about her and it gave me a lot of faith, cause I followed advice from a book and it had immediate positive results…music can be great at times, but lately it is just amplification, and doesn’t necessarily change my emotions…at times it does,, but I was needing a bridge to walk over, and that audiobook helped me do so…i also worked very hard and then managed to do 5 rails in like 1.5 hours…it was a great feat! Showing if I put my mind to something I really can accomplish it…then I got home, and read for a little bit…I was feeling sort of down and that I was holding emotions inside of me, and then I cried for a decent amount of time…Crying feels great to me cause its something I rarely have done…I however am realizing its not about crying, its about feeling happy, and when I let it out, I feel better…the entire premise is to cry tears of joy not tears of sadness…I can and trust the joy and good things are coming my way, and I know that sky full of stars is there, and the clouds need there love from the world too….I have learned a lot through this phase, things that will serve me positively for the rest of my life..things on fear, on hard circumstances, being grateful, finding meaning, doing whatever i feel I need to do to make meaning in life….i feel courage, knowing that life, now, is at its rise…that this down has lost momentum, and that this up is genuinely the leading power, taking control and choosing itself over its misunderstood side….the side that isn’t working…to replace a feeling it must be replaced by something else…feeligns don’t die, they just change…that momentum, that pain, that real fear and disappointment, all those emotions felt, are your counter weight, pushing your ball back to love and meaning and joy…we know we only live once, and try our best to make that life count, and these moments give us the strength to see what is really important, and the struggles we go through to live the life of joy and love we aspire to reach…if we know our goal, and are determined, we can reach it.

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Day three..

Oh boy, day three. Its been a bit of a reckless day for me. I woke up early, and did some breathing exercises for awhile. I was in a funny place where I wanted to be disciplined, yet felt exhausted by not just doing what my subconscious wanted to do, which was enjoy myself. I felt the breathing thing was getting repedative, and I was having difficulty catching on, maybe due to hunger or just restlessness, but at least I am trying positive exercises. Even having cereal this morning and watch marias abromovic’s movie was fascinating, and truly a delightful pleasurable way to start the morning, one I was truly grateful for. Afterwords I felt really…puzzled. Early wake up with a small breakfast, I was feeling the need to be outside. I went to the park, then proceeded to keep walking afterwords, wanting to move and not think. I recall making a conscious effort to walk very slowly, and too have no expectations for my walk. No agenda of things to think about, but only to say, this craft of walking and looking at the world clears room for beautiful thoughts, and I need more of that in this moment. I saw all the different houses, and how every single person put effort in to make their lives beautiful. They had plants, decorations, stones, chairs and tables, and just a general sense of pleasure and peace could be found in each with their own language. How beautiful the world appeared when viewed that way. I recall walking very slow, and everyone was talkative with me, yet I wasn’t trying to be talkative. Hmm how strange, normally I try hard, and people are less responsive, yet here, I felt actually embraced, and people put there attention on me. i did enter with a relaxed smile, and was generally very calm and easy attitude. I remembered that feeling and it brought me a lot of joy, and created a great walk. After I made an egg sandwich, and it gave me some energy, yet I still felt, ungrounded. I had a plan for today, yet some day, a plan won’t be followed, and we can’t beat ourselves for that, and simply roll with the day no different then if a storm came during our hike, and we had to postpone. I went to the library seeking a book on mental perceptions, and was caught off guard by an elton john book about aids. The first chapter brought tears to my eyes. A 16 year old boy with so much soul inspired by his mother, who embodied faith and compassion. Everyday people, with extraordinary values. How beautiful to learn about…It made me feel really, grateful, for even being there reading. At times it is possible to get forgetful of this reality, that even the simple pleasures in life are so grateful to us, and we can’t always compare and criticsize every moment and action we make, and at times, these simple realizations bring a lot of awareness of our gratitude to our lives. I really felt emotional about it, almost wanting to burst just the sheer fact that soul wasn’t the only prerequisite to life. its true, good people die, and I will die one day. Hopefully further down the road, but that is a statement everyone makes. My path is just as charted as everyones, and we must be patient and peaceful to whatever fate is ours, and not feel stressed or guilted about being alive, for that guilt takes away from the gift of being grateful. One can’t cherish and criticize at the same time. Choose to cherish, and see what is out of our control, and don’t waste your precious years or time worrying about how much precious time you will have. This moment is precious, even this moment writing, being able to do this, an action you love, remembering your day. One day your memory may go, or your arms, or your eyes, at this moment, I am complete. I am imperfect, learning of fear, but all is in spirit, and my spirits are high, and growing, and nervousness can come in lives now and then, but overall, I feel great to be alive and well 🙂 We went on a little boat cruise with dad and the family. I felt really comfortable being tired, being my version of my self, not having to impress anyone, and not trying to be cool, and trying to see everyone else for what they do. We are continually learning to expand this view, and I was grateful to feel that. I am happy to see my family. We don’t always see the light as bright when we have other lights in our eyes, but thats fine, we appreciate that their light impacted us, and not everything can be realized in the moment of discovery. At times, I can look back, and say in a more peaceful state, it was nice to spend time with them today, to see Doro, in all her imperfections, and dad, april, gala, and wolfe, and see we are all imperfect, in our own way, in ways only we know about, and that is human, and very ok. Back home now I am reading a book on fear, and boy, is it causing me to rethink things. I love self help, I can come home lethargic, and feel empowered with an hour, its mental nourishment. I see fear has grazed my life the past little while, and I can see this landscaper of knowledge and education, blazing me a clear path to my goals. I feel empowered, I feel stronger, and I feel it is only just the beginning. I am literally visualizing where I am going next and what I am going to do, and I know soon I will be living all these visualizations. That is a beautiful feeling, one I am lucky to have, as it takes courage to face our fears, but it takes fear to know we have courage.

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Day two..

Well I was on the verge of sleeping when I decided to do this, it actually spawned to me during a moment where I felt like, ‘shit, I feel like I’m not making the most of each day’, and was about to go to bed fairly gloomy. Perhaps this is why I started this, and this is why I am enforcing it. That passive attitude, to say, well I feel like shit, might as well lecture myself on how stoners, drug addicts, and people who live in that crazy passion are having way more fun then me. I want to remember this is a positivity blog. Today I am grateful for the fact I am truly riding the wave of a positivity lifestyle. I ate a big delicious breakfast, had tea in the sun, watched a talk on vulnerability, which was fascinating, the entire premise behind worthiness, I listen to a little bit of relationship talk, how he was saying many have this childlike belief that if it doesn’t happen spontaneously then it doesn’t work, and thats funny, a lot of my passion is that passionate until it is obstructed-unressiliant passion. I was grateful to hear and see this, and see what I am doing now is learning to have more resilience with my passion, and more faith in my confidence. I then cooked a really huge meal and biked to the gym, did some really good lower back exercises, which felt for one, sensitive, really proving my area of pain, then I had a boiling hot shower, which felt so medicinal, and really made me feel alive and well…I remember that, that feeling like shit, if I just keep doing this, I will get out of this loop, and I know that. And going to the gym with music, or podcasts, is a great spiritual practise, but really, the healing and wanting to heal the body, excellent feeling! I then went to work ate a big lunch, which was a little saucy, but hey, every lesson is learned by trying. I learned it would have been worthwhile to make it with meat. I had a huge dilemma for many months about where I stand on that, and I guess I’m stressed about the problem, then the solution makes me stressed, what a backwards result to embody, stress on stress. I think I would get so much more out of eating the meat, and being grateful, as oppose to not eating it, and feeling guilt afterwords wishing i did…

Eat what you need, if your a meat eater, don’t pretend you arnt. If you want different things, don’t pretend you don’t.

Work was ok, it was just chaotic. Like stupid chaotic, but hey, I was really impressed with how I handled it today. For someone who didn’t sleep much night before, damn today was productive…Positive, uplifting, I bet someone who slept 8 hours didn’t do as much or feel as accomplished…Hmm well it was just a good feeling to feel.

At work I can be the wired guy, the calm guy, the guy who loves his own unique viewpoint that no one understands, and the guy that makes everyone understand. There are so many faces to life. After that i biked home, enjoying my exercise filled day! Got home, is kind of nice to just sit on the couch for 10 minutes zone out, however I can’t lie I do feel that restlessness right away, saying, this isn’t going to get you out of the same loop. You are in a loop, constantly feeling the same things, and see the steps that do help you out of it. I finished co-dependency no more, a delightful informative book, by someone, who has been through more then me…Which isn’t a lot of people. I don’t mean that in a victim way, just most people haven’t gone through a lot of really troublesome things like Melody, how we can look to those beings for example and wonder. Wonder that we never went through it, but wonder in we may never understand the strength and feelings they have…

I also had a nice time speaking with Kelly today. She is really lovely and made me feel yearned for as a writer. I liked that feeling, that encouraging nurturing feeling. Its like we need someone to love, and someone to love us. That part of her that loves the writer in me is the one who loves the vulnerable in me, and I really see it as that, and appreciate her dearly for that. And am hesitant and scared, but also realize, this is vulnerability. Uncomfortable, not guaranteed, constantly wanting to be delayed, deemed so important until it is ready to be unveiled where it is then so troublesome…How we get so emotional and wish washy over our own work. Well thank you Kelly, you are giving me the platform to be vulnerable, and I am appreciate you making me feel worthy to achieve it, and to fight the resistance, fight the night.My bedroom is very dark, and I am estatic to sleep with the stars tonight. Tonight I will feel as if my mind wants to go there with the stars, the dots in the skye, the places where our soul reconnects with this mysterious energy which gives us experiences unlike human consciousness, it gives us experiences which are subjective, unclear, yet apparent is the message, apparent is the meaning, and the lesson learned. Those invisible statement. Those familiar, yet not real places. How that dark world we enter, has so much light. How the day ends by our acknowledging sleep can be like an experience, and certain experiences we don’t yearn for or gravitate to, until we desire them more then other experiences. i take sleep as a beautiful part of humanity, a place human experiences are born to go to, places we don’t know why how or what, but we do know its just a place that brings our soul to peace. Good night day two.

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One month Positivity challenge!

Hey all!
Today is September 1st, and I am starting a one month positivity challenge. Today is a year after I moved into my old place, without trying, I left exactly a year later…No different then my trip to Australia, a year to the day.

Today has been a very challenging day. Moving takes its tole on my body, and I am learning to be more centred, less needy for food by being more calm while I do things, and sensing when I need to relax and read!

Also getting strength has been a real new sight and goal for me, it really allows me the possibility to do more things…

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So what IS a positivity challenge anyways? Maybe its talking about things that bugged me during my day and refraining them. Then its not THAT much different from a journal, usually my entrys end up being that…Maybe I don’t know, and that is fine, and day one can be just honesty, and maybe day two will be more varied, who knows…I didn’t have a set plan, as much as a daily practise to come here, with my photos or my thoughts, or songs, and make it meaningful!

I felt very nervous about moving, as I was trying to fit my old life (which I managed to make work) into this one…However, it couldn’t have worked THAT well, as I finally started liking it only after I gave a deposit. The moment that happened, it all changed. WEIRD HEY! That happened in Aus too, the moment I planned to leave a city, and booked a ticket, I started to like it…Hmmm perhaps its only when we associate with our environment. Suddenly, when we know we are going to leave, our environment is temporary, and we know we are free from the identity, it gives, as we can distract ourselves for 30 days until then, but to distract ourselves with no horizon in sight is a waste of life.

Well, that is one positive from today, seeing this story I tell…Perhaps on smaller scales I tell myself this. Whats one story that I think I tell myself that I am convinced on, that maybe after I achieve I will look back on as not seeing fully that thing. Or in other words, what are some things in my life I have either been too hard on or not grateful enough. Perhaps my bodies health, especially my tooth. I got a root cannel years ago, and lately have been feeling sensations in that area. Maybe, but perhaps its fine, like really fine, or minutely bothersome, and I am escalating it. I routinely go through the loops in my mind of this bugs me, guilt, regret, fear things won’t happen quick enough, attacking myself over this fear. I guess I just want to accept that fact, and move on, and say ok, this is where I am at, i will book an appointment very shortly, (under a few months, realistically) and say to myself, don’t fret, it will be solved, and control what you can control, which is your up and downs! This has been something I felt very powerless to, as it is something I have no control over, of course, other then how it effects me, and the doctor does the rest…How brilliant!

I got to have slider burgers today, a treat I wanted to try!

Picture of me after cauliflower and cheese, butter chicken, and porcetta sliders with coleslaw and ginger ale

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Then dad dropped off a bed for me which I am so excited about! For months I ragged on my memory foam, well here is my opportunity to test the waters in a new way! I am lucky to have such an awesome dad, really. He is so selfless and has been so much of my life, as has my mom, I come from very self less parents…And he is always friendly and saying he loves me, and is just a cool person, what more could a son ask for!

Here is the king himself!

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this, I am grateful for. Laura was at whole foods my dad said, and he seen her. I am happy they connected and that she is alive and living her life.

Also tonight I watched interstellar, that movie  probably changed my life in the eeriness of things being connected that we can’t understand or explain, and nor do we have to. What ever we need to love and chase our dream is all that matters, and I encourage you to believe in whatever voodoo or hoodoo or whatever you call it to express your love, and to be a good person, even when others don’t think so. And there will be times you don’t think that you are a good person, and you can change yourself, and most changes in our lives spawn from this feeling, the desire to feel good. Today I felt good and felt I was a good person, and that is a positive thing to feel 🙂

My challenge this month is to really embrace my room. My lack of embracing causes me to start searching for alternatives very quickly, when a lot of things maybe can be solved with simply embracing it…

I suppose the lesson I learned from my last place is embrace, I could of had this bed and a small couch or chair in my room and that could have changed the vibe a little. Either way, I see the value was higher then I expected, and this room, and this pad, maybe has a value far above my expectations, and my preconceived ideas or hopes, or comparisons my stop me from appreciating cool roommates, awesome movies, a nice dark room, my own entrance where I can smoke and chill outside, musical roommate, and the ability to really enjoy relaxing…But that starts here, without the worry, and with the confidence and assuredness that I made the right choice.

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