Day Four

Okey dokes…I do tend to remember to do this the millisecond before bed…But hey, how I do this is how I do much in my life. I don’t commit to a lot, or have had struggles, or comfort, or lack of familiarity doing so, so this is a positive habit-the habit of dedication…Today has been interesting…A very perplex, but positive day…It began with…Feeling compelled to have a big breakfast, even though I wasn’t hungry, so I tried to test that urge. I had water, something light, and then watched a ted talk on shame, where I learned how guilt is when we think we did something wrong, and feel bad about it, where shame is a general principle of bad, that we aspire to find the best in us, but find difficulty consistently doing so..how those who view things as a situation gone unexpected, as oppose to a general reinforcement of an already questionable belief…that is is situation, not absolute…that we can realize we just f’ed up on this, and that it shouldn’t effect us down the line, or even completely in this moment, that we can see it as a mistake, which we can overcome, not a part of us we can’t solve…

after words I had breakfast, and tried my best to stick to more of a schedule…might I add, this was after coming off a mighty sleep, which I believe is on the up and up! 🙂

I ate eggs and sausages slowly…alot of the day was trying to do less, and find more happiness in it…not a lot of multitasking, even though I had more sleep..ironic, but still felt good. I ate breakfast which was great,then bought groceries with the lovely cashier there…I did laundry which is in my building, and enjoyed one of the last sunny days of the year…I did a workout in the park, less physical then I perhaps intended, but more meditative…I got to enjoy the sun and find a sweet balance in still doing my task, but adapting it in a way that served both the immediate pleasure, and the total goal..afterwords, I indulged in my salad. Say what you want its was very healthy, and has really extended my run of healthy food quite a while…which has saved my wallet, time, and has given me a lot of energy which I can feel…it allows me to get more work done, which gives me validation. I felt for along time depleted of my energy, and to have a resurge, is a great inspiring motivating feeling…i got to work, and we ecstatic to work an stock, finally…suprisingly it re introduced me to the pleasures of working on the floor, I guess I just needed to witness it from another angle…i felt really estatic to talk to members, to hang clothes, and to be there,…the co workers really make work a joy, and the comradery of work is a really priceless feeling…the world is structured so uniquely…and being free and being forced to work can both be different feelings then one would expect…we somewhat are forced to work, but thats fine right, it can be a joy…a social playground to test theories and ideas…im not sure I have much more to say…well I talked to emily after listening to a podcast that really re framed things for me…I felt interested in her, and in trying to make her feel good, and that feeling ACTUALLY made me feel good, cause when she felt good, we talked…i learned about her and it gave me a lot of faith, cause I followed advice from a book and it had immediate positive results…music can be great at times, but lately it is just amplification, and doesn’t necessarily change my emotions…at times it does,, but I was needing a bridge to walk over, and that audiobook helped me do so…i also worked very hard and then managed to do 5 rails in like 1.5 hours…it was a great feat! Showing if I put my mind to something I really can accomplish it…then I got home, and read for a little bit…I was feeling sort of down and that I was holding emotions inside of me, and then I cried for a decent amount of time…Crying feels great to me cause its something I rarely have done…I however am realizing its not about crying, its about feeling happy, and when I let it out, I feel better…the entire premise is to cry tears of joy not tears of sadness…I can and trust the joy and good things are coming my way, and I know that sky full of stars is there, and the clouds need there love from the world too….I have learned a lot through this phase, things that will serve me positively for the rest of my life..things on fear, on hard circumstances, being grateful, finding meaning, doing whatever i feel I need to do to make meaning in life….i feel courage, knowing that life, now, is at its rise…that this down has lost momentum, and that this up is genuinely the leading power, taking control and choosing itself over its misunderstood side….the side that isn’t working…to replace a feeling it must be replaced by something else…feeligns don’t die, they just change…that momentum, that pain, that real fear and disappointment, all those emotions felt, are your counter weight, pushing your ball back to love and meaning and joy…we know we only live once, and try our best to make that life count, and these moments give us the strength to see what is really important, and the struggles we go through to live the life of joy and love we aspire to reach…if we know our goal, and are determined, we can reach it.

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