New post

Well, im unaware again of what im going to write. Im not even editing. Just writing it up and posting. Theres usually a spelling mistake or two. Fair warning!

Well, I heard a quote one time about someone going to visit a monk for enlightenment advice. The monk said “If you have all day it’ll only take an hour, if you don’t have an hour, then it” take two”.

I think about that right now. Im going through an experience where I feel like I ‘don’t have an hour’. That time is a scares resource again. That my to-do list, is too damn high. I feel set up to not achieve it all. So that’s part one.

Part two is I don’t even know what is a priority. It all feels equal territory. Reading this book, learning coding, journaling, going for a run, eating. Am I just the product of an unstructured day. Flying by the seat of my pants. I feel with coding nothing is ever enough. I learn and learn and still feel like I have to keep learning. Perhaps that’s excitement, but its abit disastrous to follow it. Its a great way to focus, to spend a lot of time on a specific task. I just feel im in the midst a podcast series, a book, etc. and would just like more clarity or confidence on what the heck is happening!

Well (yes almost all my sentences are starting with ‘well’), now what? Im trying to sit at the computer and write because I insisted I didn’t have the time to do so, or cause it was too abstract of value. Did I really need to do it? I can talk, busy, forget my way out of it so easily. What motivation IS there to stay and do it? Apart of me just wants to write just to go to sleep being like ‘I did one’. Trying to shove content into a day. To sort through so many mixed messages. Interesting that feeling, a glow feeling.

Better to not think and write. Remember, write don’t think. Ok, well…What to type. I mean I can repeat sentences for awhile. Repeat ideas, and lack of vision. Repeat. The whole point of this is so I don’t repeat. So that I come out of this with a different trajectory then the one I was already on. So I don’t repeat autopilot and where it was taking me. This can be a post again about coding and is it even worth doing. Or should I spend more time journaling, knowing thyself. I guess there is a feeling that atleast if I do that, im not just learning coding that may one day not even be used. I feel so leisurely with my studies. So unaware of what the big picture is. Where is the big picture? In my mind I suppose. What keeps us living from a moment by moment act by act, big pictureless life. What coping mechanisms do we have to not sitting down and asking ourselves? If you don’t know where you are going then why spend so much time getting there. This is just making me want to journal now. To read this book im reading and just continue on that trajectory. To maybe sit down and ask myself where do I want to be in 6 months. In a year.

Personal content as always Adam, alittle too honest…Well, is what is it. Atleast I feel im gaining grips on what the heck im trying to deliver in my life. Perhaps im wasting time aiming, and not enough time moving. Not enough time in go mode. I suppose the philosophy is what good is go mode if you wont like where your going. It takes energy, time, to move. It can be hard to admit change, to change, to realign. Well. Starting to see that.

What will come from this. Im not entirely sure. My only priority, or idea now is to think abit. To not post it all on here. To give y’all the basic version of what I was thinking. Now im going to go to my journal and book and delve alittle deeper/

 

Peace!

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9:40 at night.

I was just about to listen to this podcast called Seeing White. Its about, (or atleast thus far, is about) the black history origins in The United States. Im really enjoying it, and was very eager to listen to it tonight. I find I learn a lot and feel more understanding and aware afterwards.
I felt really fulfilled and inspired after I wrote my last blog post that I thought I would give it another shot. Im trying to not wait for that ‘perfect’ feeling to come.

Ive wanted to write about a topic, and this topic is about a pendulum.

I shall call it:

Perfectionism vs Deprivation.

I was thinking about it a lot, and how it spawned a lot of my creative habits. Aspiring for perfectionism as a byproduct can create deprivation. We are never at the quality we expect, desire, believe, so we don’t show up, distract, avoid, and perpetually defer our moment. Showing up as we are. Maybe great content is written from this frustration. Wanting to actually be doing something else in this moment. Having so many ‘ideas’, ‘things to do’, ‘possibilities’, ‘insert reason here’.

Feel that, learning about that. Yet I am jealous of other writers. Mostly because they show up. Secretly resenting them when to be in balance is just to show up myself. To not give other writers some glorification or idolization role, but to simply feel inspired to do the same. To come here, and focus on the quantity, the aspect I do have control of, and let go of the quality, the thing that we beat ourselves up over or judge or criticize so much. Letting go.

I realize when we live in the middle its pretty fun. We just write, and see what comes from it. We don’t need to fit into any framework, and can just allow to freely let what comes come. To be perfectly accepting and non judgemental. It doesn’t have to be anything. Perfect.

Ironic. Ive been doing the Artist Way book and this has helped me. To really see the creative child, the one who isn’t trying to do X,Y,Z to be good, for others approval, for any reason, but just because its a fun experience. It can be really exciting to see what comes up during these free flow channels. So much is free flow. Even when we follow an idea or story, it began somewhere. The ether. Not sure what I think about it all, but I’m trying to focus less on understanding it, and more on just coming to the computer and writing. The philosophy that gets me here doesn’t exactly matter.


Im trying to write quick so that I can tell myself when I am done I can listen to my podcast. Im excited. Its getting late, and I probably wont have time for a whole episode. What a motivation. I remember I used to have this sort of energy for freezies. For McDonalds, for leaving school or recess. Nice to think in this moment its for a social justice issue. I feel proud of that, or delighted to see that.

I am plateauing in a way. What to write about? Im liking computer programming nowadays. Theres a clear ‘end’. Here with writing, how do you decide when to stop? Do you make arbitrary measurements? 1000 words. 30 minutes. Those can work, they can give a sense of container. Theres a certain joy to writing endlessly, with no return ticket. But theres a joy of knowing this will all be over. So my goal now, is to write until 9:55. That’s good. Im going for it.

 


What to say. Ive had an ok day. Computer programming is messing with my mind. There are so many websites offering tutorials and lessons and articles, its abit over the top. It can feel overwhelming. I find it hard to simply sit with one instructor and just go through all their courses. It can take discipline to not be into the shiny object syndrome of a new website, program, course, etc. Its all the same thing, in 1000 different packages. Its like seeing 1000 brands of orange juice. In the end its all the same.

Coding sounds so seductive. Freedom. Security. Progressive. The future. Independence. Whats not to like? Yet ive been feeling the experience doesn’t always live up to the hype. It feels so strange. It feels so counter intuitive to the other natural parts of my life. Stretching. Eating. Listening to music. I don’t have to be asked, persuaded, or guilted to trying it. I do it naturally.

I find the coding thing has an undertone of fear. Wanting security. Stability. And I find myself thus trying to ‘force’ myself to give it a shot. Who says itll be any of these? If everyone learns it, then ill just be back where I started. And will I have the motivation to keep it up. To learn constantly. Or will I plateau, learn what I need.

I find obsession can be the best job security. If you are obsessively passionate about a subject, chances are you’ll study it meticulously, feel motivated to learn in your free time, be a life long discovery with it. I concern I may not have that with coding. Do all the languages light me up? Does 10,000 hours in front of a screen turn me on? I feel im trying to pretend it does. Im jealous of the person who it is that for. Who adores writing code. I feel that person has a safety net. A security. I feel my free spirit is such a challenge in a field like this. But, im trying to stay open minded. I did a Myers Briggs test (INTP) and it recommended coding may be a good thing for me. So I feel disappointed. Abit deflated. Damn, sort of let down. I feel abit inadequate to be honest. But then again, maybe itll all open up and work out. Maybe things will unfold differently then they have at this moment. Maybe its the training wheels that will eventually make the bike ride easier. But am I trying to become the marathon bike rider? Or the casual stride? Hmm…

Its 9:55. I told myself id stop now. I kind of gotten out what I wanted to get out. Ill act on that then. Im done. Completed. Good bye!

 

Adam

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Random blog post

I feel I’ve been trying to use this blog for more deliberate writing. To write about a specific place, with a specific title. Yet when all the specifics are done, so is my content. Im writing now simply to write.
This blog renewed itself earlier this month. I feel im paying 40$ for a cool domain name, rather then because I need a space to express myself. It feels so backwards. Waiting for that eventual day where ill start writing now. A ‘random blog post’ feels abit senseless for me. Nothing to write home about. I really want to add value, and I feel uninspired, why would someone want to take time out of their day to witness another human vent, to engage in random free flow. What benefit does this have to you? How does it bring you closer to your dreams, your calling, your happiness. Is there some joy from witnessing someone as they truly are? Some unconditional appreciation? Who knows. I can feel the critic in me…Theres apart of me that needs to show up now. That has written an introduction, and doesn’t know what is going to follow.

Ive written before about the idea that most writers don’t start a journey if they don’t know where they are going. Yet creativity is like a vision of the emotions, rather then of sight. We don’t know where we are going. There is no roadmap. But there is impulse. An urging. How comforting it would feel to be in a box right now. Yet everytime I try to make one I don’t show up. I begrudge it, resist, and that ‘performance anxiety’ one could say drys my well of creativity. I have aspirations, covert ones id say. I say id like to write a book, collaborate and write a movie script, write lyrics to song. I feel so passive. So unengaged with my feelings. And well, self-conscious. That ill churn out anything good. I tend to compare myself to a select few inspiring authors/writers and tend to continually fall short. Then again, if every high school basketball player compared themselves to Lebron then there wouldn’t be much confidence would there. Im trying to reframe my source of confidence. Rather then comparison to success figures and idolization, instead to acts like this. Blindly, aimlessly, showing up. Seeing what will come from this. What returns from this.

Feel like in some ways I could talk so much. Maybe I should get back into blogging just for that. To vent. To talk about how ive been learning coding and whats that been like. About covid, Vancouver, travel, dreams, sitting too many hours, cooking. I could go on a tirade. It feels abit selfish. And honestly, im just fearful I need to be more then this to be read. To be worthwhile. I have an inadequacy reflection of myself when it comes to this. Perhaps that’s why most people don’t write/create – leave it to the big leagues, the ones who really give brilliant true content. Should I be hiding this writing? Doing it in private, until im ‘good enough’. Until that day. Should I be apprenticing myself. Doing projects, courses, improving. Maybe people want to see this side of me, or simply this side of progress. The pieces and places between A to B.


Apart of me wanted to just stop the writing there. Mic drop, as they say. Not much of a mic drop moment, but still. I suppose I feel im under the watchful eye. Ive been looking into copywriting. Lyric writing. Is this going to be peoples first impressions of me? Vulnerability posts? I want to hide that. To make this a journal, but I find if its not a blog post I wont write it. I wont show up. Im not showing up for my journals lately. Im doing morning pages, but besides that, ive become absent from the idea of a writer completely. In this moment, where ive had months of ‘free time’, I feel really confronted. Ok, so its not time. Its not free space. No matter how much time and free space I have, I may just beat around the bush. I need more accountability. More clear focus.

Im doing the Artist Way book right now. I can feel that once its done it would be worthwhile to embark on a strictly writing course. Where you come in with nothing and leave with a something. Where you get feedback, brainstorming. I guess right now im more focusing on becoming a better Adam first, before I become a better writer. Its a slower process, and doesn’t satisfy that immediate desire to ‘be there now’. Im not where I want to be, but in the long run this work is valuable. Self work. Patience. I think that’s the hardest concept in a time of urgency, speed, efficiency. It literally defies our modern philosophy. To trust that your building a future you. That you don’t need to be there today. That takes esteem. To be ok with not being that now. Self-acceptance. Patience is more of a medicine and practise then anything else. To truly have it, you would have to have other areas of your life maintained to support it authentically.

Classic Adam spiel. This that, blah blah, talk talk. Does come natural. I wish I could just get paid to have moments like this. Where I just free write, say whats on my mind and heart. See what comes up.

Ive been doing electrical work lately. I think how much work is involved. How much technicality and sweat and movement and lifting. And then I feel how can writing possibly compare. How can it be an equality. To work so hard and physically, meanwhile here I leisurely sit, quietly reflect, easily contemplate. It feels like comparing a stream to a tidal wave. Who knows. Maybe for others they NEED to be moving all the time. NEED to be lifting stuff. NEED to be out of the house. NEED to be not sitting for work. That gives me comfort if that is true. I just feel a guilt. A selfishness. Taking the easy way out while others are embracing reality and working hard. I can work hard on writing, but it just doesn’t feel the same. Mentally focused, but physically, just  still.


Blank slate again. Now what to write about? Im in free flow mode. Seeing what pops up. Like a wack-a-mole, but opposite. Embrace a mole. Welcome a mole. House, feed, name a mole. Give the mole half an hour to voice itself.


Maybe this is healthy. To just get things off my chest. I don’t feel like im consciously doing so. I just feel I can funnel whatever I have on my subconscious during the week onto here. Ive had this one:

Why is electronic music being produced so much these days? My answer – most young people are living in shared houses. Its an easy form to play music, with headphones without disturbing others. Only an opinion, but ive wanted to share that for weeks!

Cant think of anything else. I think that’ll be my goal. Anytime a random idea comes up, start sharing it on my blog.

You know you could have been ‘X’ amount of pages deep into an amazing book by now, but your here with me. Maybe we don’t compare things like I think people do. If comparing wasn’t even a concept, a process the human mind could do, then what would be real? Other writers would be like distant ideas. Measured by a ruler completely different to the one I measure myself to. Crazy to think about. Where would that put me? What would I view myself like if comparisons didn’t exist in the world.

Id probably think I was self-aware, or more accurately tried to write introspectively. Some times humorous, creative, interesting. That’s great right? Would I compare myself to what I ‘could’ be. Yes maybe I am those, but am I those enough. Am I deep enough to swim in. Am I intoxicating, or sobering. Im loosing myself in my metaphors…

I guess I’m trying to say, who is the Adam who isn’t judged or compared too. It feels abit naked. Strangely enough. Vulnerable. But im not sure why. It feels like somethings missing, my cloak of invisibility. Is this Adam stepping into life? Im not sure. I think so…I can feel a desire for acceptance. For appreciation. For sacredness. I view this still as a pastime. A impassioned, spur of the moment, vent. A random vent as I named the title. I think I romanticize it being more. It being more special for people. More valuable. More important. Does that begin with you, or does that begin with me? Who chooses. You or I? Theres apart of me still astounded by this. I came into this with blinders on, invisible to what was coming. And here I am, 20 minutes later. Alive, with this foundation of words behind this one. Clearly something is at work here. None of this I intended to write. That’s pretty cool, profound in a way. To come to that. To come to nowhere? To arrive, here. I still want to hold onto that idea of how do I find the value and importance in this. It is a creative flow, something I am familiar of and something I can do fairly easily. In theory I could do that for along time. I wonder what would happen if someone just made a book of a creative flow. 150 pages of who knows what the * it will be. Just start and end. I resent that in a way, but it would be extremely informative. Its like spinning the globe and putting your finger on a city, and whichever place you put your finger on you go to. It feels that sporadic. That random.

As good as this topic is, a new flow is coming, so I will change subject.

I have what feels like endless, but what is really maybe 30 journals in my droor. Maybe 20. Anywho. Im unsure what to do with them. Ive thought burning them. Ive considered just trying to turn them into SOMETHING. Anything.  Theres tales of my trips to Europe, of my farming, of my dating life, India, Nepal, psychedelics. The stories. Apart of me feels its worth telling, but I feel everyone has these stories. Right? Well many I know may, but im in a bubble and forgetting about all those that don’t. I think to myself well tell of my own story, does that really impact, better, your story? I feel im waiting for reassurance. That there is something there valuable. But maybe its like free flow. You create value rather then find it. Its not there, its created from it. Its the musician who can turn strings into music. Give a musician and a non-musician a guitar, you see the instrument is a small part of it. What one does with those things is the magic. Can I turn it into something? I wonder. Its tedious. SO freaking tedious. My writing on paper is so messy. Atrocious and emotional to read. Maybe that’s a good sign. Who knows. Im desperate for some authenticity. Some accomplishments and results. I feel im an empty resume.


Ok Adam you cant go on forever, what now? Its been awhile of free flow, is there an end in site? A transition? A conclusion? A soft landing? Whats the point…Learning to navigate without a point is a pretty crazy idea nowadays. In someways this is so meaningless, but in other ways its so meaningful. All I see are top this, best of that, you can be a this, learn from that. This is more artistic. Where are the lines? Where is the box? I feel pretty good about that. I just want validation that this is beneficial for people. It is beneficial for me. Is that enough. What if no one gets to this point. I feel like im on an empty mountain top and I can say whatever I want as loud as I want. I can just type abunch of profanity now, maybe no one would even notice. I feel like ive wandered from the village of logic, of thought. And im in the wilderness of the blank page. What creatures exist out here? What nature grows here? Have I burned my boat to this island long ago.*

Well, I suppose if I can go on forever, its best to just stop when I feel abit tired, which I think is now. I want to eat, or do something. To engage in a meaningless activity. To enjoy a game. I feel excitingly frivolous. Well, if you made it this far, heres a stamp. Or an award. But really, ill just say a thank you. Ive been talking about how ive been looking for appreciation, but sincerely, I actually feel appreciative of you.

Adam

 

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