Well, im unaware again of what im going to write. Im not even editing. Just writing it up and posting. Theres usually a spelling mistake or two. Fair warning!
Well, I heard a quote one time about someone going to visit a monk for enlightenment advice. The monk said “If you have all day it’ll only take an hour, if you don’t have an hour, then it” take two”.
I think about that right now. Im going through an experience where I feel like I ‘don’t have an hour’. That time is a scares resource again. That my to-do list, is too damn high. I feel set up to not achieve it all. So that’s part one.
Part two is I don’t even know what is a priority. It all feels equal territory. Reading this book, learning coding, journaling, going for a run, eating. Am I just the product of an unstructured day. Flying by the seat of my pants. I feel with coding nothing is ever enough. I learn and learn and still feel like I have to keep learning. Perhaps that’s excitement, but its abit disastrous to follow it. Its a great way to focus, to spend a lot of time on a specific task. I just feel im in the midst a podcast series, a book, etc. and would just like more clarity or confidence on what the heck is happening!
Well (yes almost all my sentences are starting with ‘well’), now what? Im trying to sit at the computer and write because I insisted I didn’t have the time to do so, or cause it was too abstract of value. Did I really need to do it? I can talk, busy, forget my way out of it so easily. What motivation IS there to stay and do it? Apart of me just wants to write just to go to sleep being like ‘I did one’. Trying to shove content into a day. To sort through so many mixed messages. Interesting that feeling, a glow feeling.
Better to not think and write. Remember, write don’t think. Ok, well…What to type. I mean I can repeat sentences for awhile. Repeat ideas, and lack of vision. Repeat. The whole point of this is so I don’t repeat. So that I come out of this with a different trajectory then the one I was already on. So I don’t repeat autopilot and where it was taking me. This can be a post again about coding and is it even worth doing. Or should I spend more time journaling, knowing thyself. I guess there is a feeling that atleast if I do that, im not just learning coding that may one day not even be used. I feel so leisurely with my studies. So unaware of what the big picture is. Where is the big picture? In my mind I suppose. What keeps us living from a moment by moment act by act, big pictureless life. What coping mechanisms do we have to not sitting down and asking ourselves? If you don’t know where you are going then why spend so much time getting there. This is just making me want to journal now. To read this book im reading and just continue on that trajectory. To maybe sit down and ask myself where do I want to be in 6 months. In a year.
Personal content as always Adam, alittle too honest…Well, is what is it. Atleast I feel im gaining grips on what the heck im trying to deliver in my life. Perhaps im wasting time aiming, and not enough time moving. Not enough time in go mode. I suppose the philosophy is what good is go mode if you wont like where your going. It takes energy, time, to move. It can be hard to admit change, to change, to realign. Well. Starting to see that.
What will come from this. Im not entirely sure. My only priority, or idea now is to think abit. To not post it all on here. To give y’all the basic version of what I was thinking. Now im going to go to my journal and book and delve alittle deeper/
Peace!
Living in Free Fall 