Quotes on Accountability

Theres a few quotes that all say the same thing in different ways.

“If you only walk on days you feel like it you’ll never make it to your destination”

“If you like rainbows, you got to learn to like the rain”

“Don’t step on caterpillars if you love butterflys”

 

They relate to me in the sense of im not really ‘feeling’ like doing this now. Theres apart of me trying to reconnect to a vision I had that said if I blogged 2-3 days a week I would feel much more connected to my writer self. Yet, the idea of pursuing a dream when you feel tired or uninspired can feel almost contradictory. We feel we ‘should’ feel different. Maybe…

I really see that energy in me of just wanting to be accountable to something. To just trust I can write (free write) and push myself to do that. Im curious how this blog will transform if I make it more directed, more aimed at specific topics each post. Not sure what those topics will be. Theres no sense of failure if I free write, but when I pick a topic, I find there are standards, other articles, things “I wish I said but didnt’s”. Well, all apart of the process I suppose. I can feel myself even now trying to maintain control. Structure. Trying to out type myself is abit nerve racking. Self conscious even at times. Ok. For the heck of it ill try to write on wisdom. Maybe the wisdoms I have thought of recently.

I have a piece of paper hanging on my white board. It has quotes about accountability. I haven’t looked at it in months. But its one of those that when I find those pieces of paper I don’t know what to do with them. Anyways it says things like.

“Whats the point of accountability if we only do them when they are easy and inspiring. No one needs accountability in those moments. Accountability is to help you in the moments when they are hard, challenging, and resisted.”

“Are emotions a valid enough reason for not doing accountability’s?”

“Can I achieve greater dreams and goals if the ‘perfect, exact’ right moment never comes?”

“What victim stories do we accept for not doing an accountability?”

“How much more could I accomplish if I acted regardless of emotions?”

“Whats better excellence or comfort?”

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Im not necessarily endorsing all these quotes. Some times they are more applicable then others. I recall after being in a mens group that we made accountabilities in, the uniqueness of that facet of life. Promises. Commitments. Visions, followed by action steps. Goals, and a pressure to actually do them. Its been on my mind a lot the past while. Less so the past few months, but its still relevant to revisit these. To see these from a higher level, and ask – What can I do better?

 

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JULY 19

Yes, this post can all be encompassed under the highly descriptive title of July 19th. If you want a gist for this post then read the title…Kidding…Its a pretty impulsive first thing which came to my mind.

I was reflecting, what was the best thing I could do with my time. I have a few books im reading, trying to learn some web site coding, like my late few minute cold showers. But apart of me felt like this was really the one which felt like an impact. Just to my own confidence. It is abit confronting to come here and post. Its a lot easier to do things which feel much more behind the scenes, less seen. These posts are abit vulnderable, just in the sense that its me. Reading is so much more of a tourist feeling, a person in the stands, but here im in the arena, im on the stage, im in the spotlight. For better or worse. I wonder how well I use the spotlight. Do I talk to freely, lacking a censor. I try to type faster then I can think. There is apart of me that knows if I write something that feels like too much I wont say it, but I tend to graze and tip toe close to that line at times. Its like a thrill. Maybe abit of feeling confident. My blog isn’t on the front page of any websites. Its not like my style has ‘found its niche’. Its really at this point for my own entertainment. I hope it will organically find its place. I don’t promote much, simply a facebook post after. I think I am abit over estimating myself. That the content will sell itself. It is abit confronting to have your imagination confronted by reality. Yet, another part of me is indifferent. Im doing this because I need the public to hold me accountable to actually showing up. This is different then my journals, theres a different tone. I post it just to know I have to keep within some boundaries. I cant be too boring, or too vulnerable, or too extreme. I need to hover in a healthy middle. I also don’t edit. I write it and post. Im sure there are errors along the way, and maybe thatll be my demise. But its just my style and need for these moments. I find im abit nervous writing. Or even just generally, have this urgency. So many things to do it feels like. Not the most meditative equanimity ill admit. I can see how that plays out. I write fast, skip editing, post before I can consider doing so. My action steps are before my planning ones. I think a healthier balance will find its place. Maybe when/if more people start reading this ill be more motivated. They say build it and they will come. Maybe I will have to start out that way, so that when people come they are seeing something polished, rather than something that ‘one day’ will be polished. Oh ‘one day’. What a great statement. A get out of anything free card. Say it and your free to do as you wish. Yet what will the readers think. The public who will come across your work. I do see I don’t have the time to connect to all the friends id wish I could with. After travel, different jobs, different events, I just have a list of people who I rarely, if ever, connect to. Apart of me yearns and wishes that my writing is an anchor that keeps us connected. That I can make something that can bring us together, can reconnect us. That I can say something worth the time. I hear that theme, that gut-check sort of topic. Is it abit self-conscious? Ive heard the word audacity these days. That many people who are having their work out there have audacity to put it out there. That that is the magic ingredient at times in this world. The ability to actually do. Actually promote. Actually believe in your work. What a magic ingredient. I do feel original. But I start to question am I just too speculative. Talking about plans, perceptions, is the density of this really that dense. Who knows, can question that forever. My goal here is to write. I find my next day I feel more relieved. Confidant. It is my catwalk. Of being out of my shell. Out of my little world in my room. Yes there is a human there. Who behind all these quick days, fast driving, in and out of shops and people, there is this moment, where you can have an extended period of time with me. See a side I really feel I cant always reveal. People who know me well or alittle get the same lense. Its an interesting thing. And its so…literal. Its just there, on paper, for the world to see. Its not the most abstract, its somewhat blunt. Maybe there is a value in that. To get or give abit of humanity for abit. This feels like a humans of new York thing, (google it if you don’t know of it), but is an extended one. A continual, ongoing one. I can feel good about that. Well. My own need for a shower and nightly read will keep this post coming to an end. On to the next one. I could very well, just go on and on. Its quite interesting, to tap into ones stream of thought like that. I appreciate that its apart of humanity in that way. Ok. Well. Bye.

Free write. Journal number 3,453,234. Kidding…

Feel like im not even sure why im writing. again. pulled by old contracts I signed with myself. I remember finishing artist way, or part way through it, thinking I got to write more. I got to blog more, to trust that I can just show up and it will be fine. Thats this. These. Wanderings on the page. Getting out of the safety and security of “oh a better day, more motivated time, more focused Adam” need to be here before I can write. Well. Looks like I can just show up.

Lots going on. Just find myself really busy. Reading alot of psychology books. Feels like all I read these days. Everything feels so dry. Healing work as they say. I romanticize those childhood days where I watched shows endlessly. Binge watched 24, Prison Break, Poker, all these shows. There was a certain comfort in those I miss. Nowadays watching one show feels like a huge step into the guilt trip. Not sure why. Find myself just feeling that nowadays.

Perpetually waiting for the day. When I let loose and binge again, when I am not trying to fix, change, alter something. Just straight up being. Maybe its fear. Always need to be productive, doing, working, growing, thinking, solving. Apart of me just feels out of balance in that sense. Well, notice that. Notice the Adam who is in that place. I feel abit dreading of blog posts like this. Too sobering it can feel like. Which it was one removed, that it was a short story about a random person, and had no links to me. This can feel too blunt. Theres no deniability. Maybe thats why I call it free writing. Its just to pass the time, its not ‘real’.

The storys we craft. Well. Again, its less about the quality of the writing right now, its about being able to say, oh yea, a month ago I said this would be good to do, and im still doing it. Thats why im here. Not because I want to be doing this more then anything. Im here to feel in integrity. That I can say and do. Thats what im chasing.

What to type. Chasing vs attracting. That comes to mind. How am I chasing something, some change or some vision/utopia, whatever it may be, and how am I just naturally attracting it into my life. Such a game changer. The desperation is gone. The need is gone. Im complete and it naturally comes and follows. Its hard to play that sometimes. Can feel myself edging towards chasing, doing for it, but its also important to re-remember, to see, who is that Adam who is naturally creatng, manifesting, attracting, all the things I actually dream and want. Yowza, game changer.

Well, im attracting this writers commitment to me. By being more fearless and actually showing up, thats half the battle. Half of all this is just the audacity to try and do. Somedays its content driven, others, its simply about having the audacity to actually show up. To actually go and discover and see. What will I find, what will I discover. That is the game, the mission I am on.

Well, not much more to say, blah blah blah. Running out of fuel, but also just feeling like I journeyed again. Said I got nothing to write about, but I reflect back and so far I can see I was wrong. I had the capacity to write. I just get uneasy when I dont ‘know’ what it will be. What the content will be like. I can feel that restlessness. Needing to know. Needing control. Needing to know it will be good enough, quality enough. Those arnt my battles anymore. My job is to show up. To sit here, and hit keys for 20 minutes. Im a cog in the writer wheel, but it feels great. Grateful for it actually.

Well, this will be the third paragraph I started with ‘well’. Well howbout that. Job well done Adam, you showed up. Respect the force that comes out of you, that you dont even have a name for, that is just free flowing, and always there. Literally, I could show up to a blank page and something will come up. Now, whats the difference between something you like and something you dont. Between the good days and the bad days. Between good writing and bad. Between approval and indifference. Who knows.

But as someone here to just write and get to witness the self go from nothing to something, that is pretty valuable. I can feel much more empowered in that sense. Watching it all go by. Seeing what arises. Having little or no requirements or prerequisites. To simply allow and watch. Im not going to smother my inner child. To shelter it and be overly controlling. Saying you should be more like that persons inner child. You should do it like that. Id like it more if you showed up like this. Sounds like bad parenting to my own self. Something to be self aware of. Let the kid be in the sandbox and mess around and play. Thats all im trying to do. Im treating this like a kid rather than me. Go explore, go do your thing. No judgements of how this should or shouldent be. Just show up, get your play time, and thats that. Nice job.

Artist Way and work you love.

So I finished Artist Way last week. 12 weeks of creativity and exploration. That was very meaningful. It opened up my courage to write more. To feel less attached to perfectionism, expectations, and to write simply for the joy and happiness it brings me. To tap into that and call it the day. It was great to reflect on that 12 weeks. All the introspection, drawings I did, kids movies I watched, tapping into that inner child force. Felt that spark a lot. It was very meaningful. Very glad for such an experience.

I seen today the world talking about STEM jobs, how they will be the future, how that is what the worlds needs. I noticed how right after reading that I wanted to do some coding, yet when I finished work and finally got home I was wiped. Felt like that ‘high’ or idea didn’t truly translate into anything. Felt abit deflated by that, abit like my expectations were far different than the reality.

Are we building that STEM world? Where those in that industry will have an easier ride then others? Interesting to think. I reflect on my childhood days of lego, of puzzles and games, and how STEM feels like a natural offshoot from some of those days. Yet, options, are always our friend and foe. Im doing electrical now and feel its teaching me a lot. I like to write. I was taking marketing in university. Am I a collection of seemingly unrelated fields? I question that at times. Where is the interconnection? Am I a track record of some things never done. Who knows. Can speculate forever.

In the Artist Way book there was an emphasis to not be so ‘product focused’. Think of it like a degree. Do we sacrifice the joy for the paper? The completion? Is it a loss to get half way and say ‘nope not for me’. Ill be honest a lot of my past has given me context on what the world is like. In different jobs, different geographies, different cultures. Deep dive into one thing sure may have taught me that, but I also feel grateful for the inquiry into many different aspects of life I have had. Step back from the ‘need’ for a clear, clean finished product. From the perfectionism of mastery. And just see it for what it is – someone following their interest or desires at the time. Must it be ‘wrong’ if it didn’t last to some checkpoint? 4 years for university? Making a living as a writer? Are things not worth it, are the payoffs not worth the time without these milestones?

Begs many questions. I can see now the workaholism in a way. Yet I start to think, even if I had way more money, there isn’t too too much more I would do. Really, if I had more money I keep imagining I would travel more. Which sure is great, but even where im at now I can travel. Many have a lot of money and may not travel so much. Is it all a chase for more comforts. Bigger cars, bigger meals, bigger vacations. Bigger tvs. Bigger photo books. Is that what its all for? Seems like a world of judging oneself and ones happiness through things other than ones work. Funny to be chasing the bigger and more, meanwhile living in a society burning out from lack of sustainability. Is all the ‘biggers’ going against all the principles of sustainability? Is less more rewarding then more? Smaller more precious than the larger? Work, ‘jobs’, how we spend our time, starts to become redefined in this view. It would be an utter failure to go to a job you dislike, no matter the payoff. To feel trapped there. Theres a certain validation in working, living the simple life of relaxing after a hard day, making dinners and lunches for the next day. It seems so…basic. But has this huge tone of inner reward. How different would our compass be if it wernt aimed at creating these lavish rich experiences. But these inner sense of fulfilment, accomplishment, discovery, health, balance. Im my unhealthiest when I travel. I’m genuinely growing and getting stronger when I work. Both are a fine balance. But I feel we are trying to lower our time at work as much as possible to tip the scales to the leisure and freedom and relaxation and travel side. To say success is as little of one and as much of the other. Is this an illusion? Ive travelled to a few cheaper to travel countries. I myself can feel a sense of guilt. Am I exploiting a flawed economic machine. Overvaluing white peoples time and jobs, and devaluing other cultures? That I need these vacations, and people to cook for me, to drive me, when I go to these other countries? Something about it. From the outside it looks so obvious to go to where its cheaper, but I think to deny the fact that we live in a world that has made privileges and restrictions based on where you are born. Its all so strange. How great to be doing work that betters the world and humanity. That solves problems rather than perpetuates them. That doesn’t make the gap between the ‘haves’ and the ‘have nots’ even bigger.

Its great to have money to spend on honest craftsmanship. Yet I’m feeling better and better about not judging myself or others by their job, their money or salary, where they live, what they have done. Its all just decorations, stories, checkpoints that may or may not even matter. I reflect on that. What work is genuinely meaningful. What outlook is genuinely caring. What makes me see the world with better eyes. What are steps in a right direction. Happy to ask. To reflect. May never know, but its nice to ask and imagine these questions, to wonder on the answers.