Feel like im not even sure why im writing. again. pulled by old contracts I signed with myself. I remember finishing artist way, or part way through it, thinking I got to write more. I got to blog more, to trust that I can just show up and it will be fine. Thats this. These. Wanderings on the page. Getting out of the safety and security of “oh a better day, more motivated time, more focused Adam” need to be here before I can write. Well. Looks like I can just show up.
Lots going on. Just find myself really busy. Reading alot of psychology books. Feels like all I read these days. Everything feels so dry. Healing work as they say. I romanticize those childhood days where I watched shows endlessly. Binge watched 24, Prison Break, Poker, all these shows. There was a certain comfort in those I miss. Nowadays watching one show feels like a huge step into the guilt trip. Not sure why. Find myself just feeling that nowadays.
Perpetually waiting for the day. When I let loose and binge again, when I am not trying to fix, change, alter something. Just straight up being. Maybe its fear. Always need to be productive, doing, working, growing, thinking, solving. Apart of me just feels out of balance in that sense. Well, notice that. Notice the Adam who is in that place. I feel abit dreading of blog posts like this. Too sobering it can feel like. Which it was one removed, that it was a short story about a random person, and had no links to me. This can feel too blunt. Theres no deniability. Maybe thats why I call it free writing. Its just to pass the time, its not ‘real’.
The storys we craft. Well. Again, its less about the quality of the writing right now, its about being able to say, oh yea, a month ago I said this would be good to do, and im still doing it. Thats why im here. Not because I want to be doing this more then anything. Im here to feel in integrity. That I can say and do. Thats what im chasing.
What to type. Chasing vs attracting. That comes to mind. How am I chasing something, some change or some vision/utopia, whatever it may be, and how am I just naturally attracting it into my life. Such a game changer. The desperation is gone. The need is gone. Im complete and it naturally comes and follows. Its hard to play that sometimes. Can feel myself edging towards chasing, doing for it, but its also important to re-remember, to see, who is that Adam who is naturally creatng, manifesting, attracting, all the things I actually dream and want. Yowza, game changer.
Well, im attracting this writers commitment to me. By being more fearless and actually showing up, thats half the battle. Half of all this is just the audacity to try and do. Somedays its content driven, others, its simply about having the audacity to actually show up. To actually go and discover and see. What will I find, what will I discover. That is the game, the mission I am on.
Well, not much more to say, blah blah blah. Running out of fuel, but also just feeling like I journeyed again. Said I got nothing to write about, but I reflect back and so far I can see I was wrong. I had the capacity to write. I just get uneasy when I dont ‘know’ what it will be. What the content will be like. I can feel that restlessness. Needing to know. Needing control. Needing to know it will be good enough, quality enough. Those arnt my battles anymore. My job is to show up. To sit here, and hit keys for 20 minutes. Im a cog in the writer wheel, but it feels great. Grateful for it actually.
Well, this will be the third paragraph I started with ‘well’. Well howbout that. Job well done Adam, you showed up. Respect the force that comes out of you, that you dont even have a name for, that is just free flowing, and always there. Literally, I could show up to a blank page and something will come up. Now, whats the difference between something you like and something you dont. Between the good days and the bad days. Between good writing and bad. Between approval and indifference. Who knows.
But as someone here to just write and get to witness the self go from nothing to something, that is pretty valuable. I can feel much more empowered in that sense. Watching it all go by. Seeing what arises. Having little or no requirements or prerequisites. To simply allow and watch. Im not going to smother my inner child. To shelter it and be overly controlling. Saying you should be more like that persons inner child. You should do it like that. Id like it more if you showed up like this. Sounds like bad parenting to my own self. Something to be self aware of. Let the kid be in the sandbox and mess around and play. Thats all im trying to do. Im treating this like a kid rather than me. Go explore, go do your thing. No judgements of how this should or shouldent be. Just show up, get your play time, and thats that. Nice job.
Living in Free Fall 