JULY 19

Yes, this post can all be encompassed under the highly descriptive title of July 19th. If you want a gist for this post then read the title…Kidding…Its a pretty impulsive first thing which came to my mind.

I was reflecting, what was the best thing I could do with my time. I have a few books im reading, trying to learn some web site coding, like my late few minute cold showers. But apart of me felt like this was really the one which felt like an impact. Just to my own confidence. It is abit confronting to come here and post. Its a lot easier to do things which feel much more behind the scenes, less seen. These posts are abit vulnderable, just in the sense that its me. Reading is so much more of a tourist feeling, a person in the stands, but here im in the arena, im on the stage, im in the spotlight. For better or worse. I wonder how well I use the spotlight. Do I talk to freely, lacking a censor. I try to type faster then I can think. There is apart of me that knows if I write something that feels like too much I wont say it, but I tend to graze and tip toe close to that line at times. Its like a thrill. Maybe abit of feeling confident. My blog isn’t on the front page of any websites. Its not like my style has ‘found its niche’. Its really at this point for my own entertainment. I hope it will organically find its place. I don’t promote much, simply a facebook post after. I think I am abit over estimating myself. That the content will sell itself. It is abit confronting to have your imagination confronted by reality. Yet, another part of me is indifferent. Im doing this because I need the public to hold me accountable to actually showing up. This is different then my journals, theres a different tone. I post it just to know I have to keep within some boundaries. I cant be too boring, or too vulnerable, or too extreme. I need to hover in a healthy middle. I also don’t edit. I write it and post. Im sure there are errors along the way, and maybe thatll be my demise. But its just my style and need for these moments. I find im abit nervous writing. Or even just generally, have this urgency. So many things to do it feels like. Not the most meditative equanimity ill admit. I can see how that plays out. I write fast, skip editing, post before I can consider doing so. My action steps are before my planning ones. I think a healthier balance will find its place. Maybe when/if more people start reading this ill be more motivated. They say build it and they will come. Maybe I will have to start out that way, so that when people come they are seeing something polished, rather than something that ‘one day’ will be polished. Oh ‘one day’. What a great statement. A get out of anything free card. Say it and your free to do as you wish. Yet what will the readers think. The public who will come across your work. I do see I don’t have the time to connect to all the friends id wish I could with. After travel, different jobs, different events, I just have a list of people who I rarely, if ever, connect to. Apart of me yearns and wishes that my writing is an anchor that keeps us connected. That I can make something that can bring us together, can reconnect us. That I can say something worth the time. I hear that theme, that gut-check sort of topic. Is it abit self-conscious? Ive heard the word audacity these days. That many people who are having their work out there have audacity to put it out there. That that is the magic ingredient at times in this world. The ability to actually do. Actually promote. Actually believe in your work. What a magic ingredient. I do feel original. But I start to question am I just too speculative. Talking about plans, perceptions, is the density of this really that dense. Who knows, can question that forever. My goal here is to write. I find my next day I feel more relieved. Confidant. It is my catwalk. Of being out of my shell. Out of my little world in my room. Yes there is a human there. Who behind all these quick days, fast driving, in and out of shops and people, there is this moment, where you can have an extended period of time with me. See a side I really feel I cant always reveal. People who know me well or alittle get the same lense. Its an interesting thing. And its so…literal. Its just there, on paper, for the world to see. Its not the most abstract, its somewhat blunt. Maybe there is a value in that. To get or give abit of humanity for abit. This feels like a humans of new York thing, (google it if you don’t know of it), but is an extended one. A continual, ongoing one. I can feel good about that. Well. My own need for a shower and nightly read will keep this post coming to an end. On to the next one. I could very well, just go on and on. Its quite interesting, to tap into ones stream of thought like that. I appreciate that its apart of humanity in that way. Ok. Well. Bye.