Avoiding what we want most.

Im rereading pages i wrote after i returned from europe. I was very poetic after that. Was happy to be home, and loved simply going for walks. A very reflective time. Years ago i read through this journal and under lined random passages that stood out to me. Im not sure if it does justice to share random quotes from my old writing, but figured ill start there and see what happens.

…..

Life is yingyang. I can only witness the dancers of pain and love twirling prancing back and forth together, echoing each other.

Trying to be specific but its all et cetras. Endlessly searching for the unfindable treasure.

We are the type who ask to win the lottery but never buy a ticket.

The worst wine is right off the vine.

There were times were travel began to overlap with bragging, flaunting places one has gone. Being somewhere stressing about where you are going to go. [I read this now and it strikes me as sad to read this!]

The difference between love and loving.

Ive been evicted from my consciousness.

Constantly wanting to change plans rather than stick with the plan i had.

….

This is a bit of a tumblr. Its challenging – what to do with so many words and pages and journals. And who says i need to do anything with them. I feel im bringing myself to a place where i just feel comfortable burning them all and allowing a new space to open in my life. Allowing a lightness. Releasing expectations i need to do or be anything. To regenerate my self perception. Theres this clinging to old journals i have. Thank you random readers for hearing this! It does feel slightly vulnerable and i can feel my inner senses trying to pull back the reigns and ‘sober up’. Well. Atleast i showed up today. It would be much more comfortable to talk about things or places or others rather then talk about myself. But isnt that the one thing i perhaps have some right to speak about. My self? Must everything be more generalized. Data driven. Unspecific. Dunno. All i know is im challenging myself to read some of my old journals and write on my blog. I do feel exhausted so thats probably also contributing to the wildness i feel. Ive reread my writing after a good sleep and its usually less extreme or dramatic then i imagined it to be in the moment. Maybe this is a calmness that im unacknowledged. Oh well. Ive done my post. Night!

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A journal about reading journals.

This is a unique one.

Off the coast if western Canada are some islands. Rustic cabins are there, one of which a friend lent me to spend some time in. I went into it with many of my journals there to read. Ironic. How similar.

I reflect on myself then. It was excrusiatingly boring to do so. I seen how all my present life fit into every era of my past. How it was all cyclical. Timeliness didnt exist. Only details changed. I remember how much i wish i had some enjoyable books to read. How it felt so dry to choose this. So strange. I chose this. I imagined it to be so much greater then the reality. Clearly out of touch between fantasy and reality. Hence why its called a fantasy perhaps…

I love the islands but learned how minus transportation, social life, community it looses alot of its magic. I think we shop for solo experiences, forgetting the sharing is the richness. Not the solo accomplishment. Even writing can feel very solo oriented. What role does the writer play? The connector of dots? I suppose anything connects dots. Musicians, chefs, counselors, taping into past ideas and knowledge to solve a current challenge.

Very coincidental to read this post. Ive been here before. This groundhog day. Trying to read journals. To clear the pile. To remember and learn. To reflect. What lesson is there. What can i grow from this. Clearly it’s a long term feeling. Even if i loose focus now months or years later ill relapse and try to do this. Very ironic.

Well. Another journal back into the history books. Easily would have forgotten about this. Its almost like pulling tarot cards. Each journal gives a relevant insight into my life. Not sure if there is a card that symbolizes repetition or cyclical nature. Perhaps the moon with its cycles. Or the seasons with theirs. We are nature…happy lesson. You cannot separate life from cycles. You cannot have the line without the circle.

Same thing of many names

I think ive used this title before. Well this is the same title of the same name talking about the different thing of many names.

I guilt myself. Adam wrote something before bed. I open up a journal to get some inspiration. It talks about a time i was in Paris. There is also some other pages where i took notes on consent culture. Where a maybe isnt a yes yet.

This title actually doesnt reflect either of those two points. Its more so to speak about follow through. Im writing. But im not doing the true task. I wanted to purge some journals to the web. To get them out of my surroundings and onto the web.

My journals are like ‘big data’. The same way companies know about us, my journals know about me. They know about my mood over the past many years. How can i translate all that into something. I ask…itll take far too much dry effort to post them to the web. Ive had multiple dreams with them which havent flourished. To make a giant mind map. Of my travels, life experiences, intertwining it with psychology and making it really cool. Ive always wanted to write (i think compile is a better word as alot of it is already written, just fragmented) a book about a time in my life before i went to europe. Where i was really caught between staying or going. Between life here and dreams there.

The fantasy of that way of thinking and the reality of that way of dreaming

So. This isnt really moving any of those dream forward. Im watching trailers and not watching movies. Boats are safe in harbors as they say. Dreams are safe on paper. Ideas are safe in our mind. Theres no accountability. No having to do more work when your already tired and just want to relax and be entertained. No. I got to write this and sit with that inner conflict of am i doing enough. Am i facing this directly. Or am i just blowing some steam and will forget about it for a few days. If i do this constantly where will these ideas be in 10 years. Exactly where they started? What will it take to move towards these ideas rather then micro steps forward. What is actually succeeding in these things. Something to ponder. For today awareness and acknowledgement is where im at. The key is to not get stuck in the awareness and acknowledgement stage or else its not awareness at all. They say to know and not do is to not know at all. I guess im testing myself, putting me on the spot. How well do you know Adam, is what im asking myself. Trying to outrun my sense of responsibility. To actually do the work. Running in wrong direction. When completion is the opposite direction of comfort, when will it be worth it. When will comforts be a worthwhile sell. Im feeling soon enough. But the proof is in the act. I write and i know very well words are cheap. Doing is the transformation. I am selling something i dont own right now. Warren buffet has a rule. Never go into debt. Am i building debt right now. Feels like it. Less of these. More of doing. Id like that. Build. Ive been designing long enough.

Attracting vs. Chasing

Theres a huge culture around chasing dreams. Chasing passion. Money. Etc. The chase.

I imagine. What am I attracting into my life? Who would I have to be to naturally attract that life I want? The people, the opportunities, the places. Which of those things am I actually bringing closer to me.

And what am I attracting naturally today?

The magic is to attract the very thing you think your chasing.

What does anxiety attract? Self doubt?

What life does being joyful attract? Grateful and open?

I see how as of late attracting financial abundance or skills with work feel very real. The desire that that is my goal.

Anxiety is a self-doubt. That were not chasing hard enough, fast enough. Living in a perception where we need to chase.

How to attract a better world. What makes you happiest. Vitality. Livelihood. Community. Celebration and success.

Poem from vault of poems

Pulled out of my papers. Normally i post a select few. Lately trying to let my creativity off the leash more. If its ‘not as good as id like’ i can still enjoy it. Its funner and less management (micromanagement actually) I just show up, got more content. Whats next?

Poem below

Well – today i made ground

Like I was earth

Celebrate your story

The mess and the magic

The diversity of divinity

Something to believe in

Pre religion. Just a brief instant

Acknowledge your pain your way

Trying to rearrange, trusting your faith

The writing – sorry i forgot of you

Over looked you, under rated you

Distrusted you. This feel empowering.

Finally doing what was once my dream.

In a state like this,

Ive been in better places and never became this.

This is anxious, but finally in making it.

Painful but so graceful.

Stressed but so at rest

Lucky, dysfunctionally

Coming free, coming clean.

Follow through

Im discovering within myself a part of me who will tell myself things and not actually do them. I think i do it to comfort myself.

Its 6.30am. I feel asleep after 9pm. Earliest maybe ever. I had this idea it would be so fulfilling to write when i awake, but i find my body is always too tired. I need the sleep. And constantly feel that inner conflict. I create false narratives to feel accomplishing. Ill do x, y, z tomorrow. Learning that mistake. Never leave for tmrw what could be done today.

I noticed the wind in my sails has faded abit. I have a final exam tmrw morning so maybe there is a logical part of me knowing the delay and inaction is healthy. But i wanted to poke my head up. To say hi to my writer self. Hope i can get back on the momentum. The routine of posting journal notes. This was special. Simply writing something.  Ill try to funnel this energy today into studying. Thats also something i want more concrete focus on. Alright bon voyage people!

Journal entry 2

This ones an old poem:

Sun vibrations to awaken

In the desert im a snake in the making

Said i was done playing

But my inner child wants some fun again

Make raps to make impacts

What do you want from me?

After all, im just a human being

This is a love letter to humanity

Cups half full even if im half asleep

Tryna motivate you to create new breakthroughs

Miss the word play,

She buys Mermaids, i buy Hercules

Gluttonous, all cause it eats me up

Dont take my writing too literal

Even alone i regroup

That insecure introvert doing inner work

Feeling sensitive, cant find the medicine

One time my fuel was approval

And it takes the dirt of the valley to build the mountains

Got my whole life infront of me yet why am i feeling behind

Seeing it all but no one notices

Will embers be our only fire?

———-

Im not sure where or when i wrote this. Its nice to re read. Seems somber. But turned into art. Unique discoveries while i am doing an archeological dig of my collection of journals.

Day 1 chapter 1 verse 1 page 1

Ok im jumping the gun. Im fishing through random journals/notes and seeing what i find:

I remember these were quotes from a book on happiness. I cant remember specifically but i remember reading this briefly while i was in Nepal. Abit side swept as why i was traveling so much but feeling the intermittent waves of missing home, and well a more normal life.

“People will think themselves happy if their lives match up with the values of their cultural indoctrination.”

“Self-reports of happiness will be influenced by the extent to which a person feels he/she is leading or lagging behind the pack.”

“Happiness is not always about jollyness or comfort. When artists go on stage it can be tormenting, but fulfilling.”

The book talked about different categories of happiness. My travel happiness was high, my social one too. But my career, health (stomach aches and inconsistent sleep), even intellectual as i wasnt reading much, felt down as a consequence.

Ok there we go first journal page done! Lets see whats next..

This next page is i believe is from India. I was comparing/reflecting on moments of indecisiveness. Very first world indecisiveness.
Travel or Vancouver
Denmark or Berlin
Year visa or no visa
Farm or Spain
Volunteer picking olives or watching kids
Leave early or stay
Paris or Eco farm
Goa or leaving

I reflect back in this page. I was very inflexible, i had to chase the most epic plan. But what if i didnt know. What if both sounded good? That thought constantly seized the motor of my momentum. I began to micromanage my subconscious. What should i do? I thought and weighed my options and devoted so much energy and time and focus trying to ‘figure it out’. It showed my vulnerability to decision making. The massive weight i put on decisions, and a feeling of being unqualified to make the perfect one. I was perpetually delaying…
Spending so much of my current selves environment for some romanticized illusive future selves environment. I reread myself saying if i did all the decisions i did differently i still would have had an amazing time. I still would have been in Europe, having a unique experience and meeting new people.
But boy…alot of FOMO was my fuel in those days. A craving for these ‘epic’ ideas. Whos the judge? Many epic ideas were very ordinary or regular once i finally arrived!

I was outsourcing my peaks and happiness to cities who acted as mountains I needed to conquer and climb. For the views? The rush? Always imagining the one with more places was more fulfilled. But really i was trying to mitigate and understand my restlessness. My needing to move. And my incomprehension when things wernt as they seemed..

Uprooting myself wherever my restlessness brought me. The world traveler.

———

Ok two pages done! Bravo Adam. New insights and old memories 🙂

Wonders

Im starting to wonder how i want this blog to evolve. I like the practice of writing regularly but feel i can imagine more than what i am doing now. Im enjoying the feeling of growth and accomplishment, but am beginning to ask is there a more empowering method then simply coming with no plan or idea, just simply to write.

Im not really looking to do a blog that tells about my day. A living journal so to say. But i am beginning to ask myself what is the creation i so desire. Im not entirely sure. Im open to asking those questions. How do things evolve. How do they find their shape and place.

I can rewrite all i learn about in my classes of electrician. The devices used and the engineering beneath all of it. That is cool for sure.

I do romanticize the idea of purging the journals I have stored in my room. Memories of the years of travel and fun experiences i had. Apart of me wants to do that for the sheer feeling of letting go of them.

I just find it easier to sit here and write about nothing specific then to make a clear goal and do it. Ok. Ill make that my project. I will embark to make my next blog post some sort of ‘recycling’. Of my old journals. Remembering a day – the lessons etc. Something got me to write that day. A passionate experience a memorable sight, an inner questioning or discovery. Not fully sure – but itll be a great way to let go of it. Sure, its an undertaking. I feel that. But i feel i am atleast taking strides to genuinely change and architect it into something. Something creative and unique. Something productive and abundant. So that shall be the quest! I hope to begin tomorrow. Im not feeling too full of words today besides just a sense of motivation. Focus. Clarity. Vision. Etc. Good things.

I do fear the force of resistance i may face in this. Bring it on i guess. Regardless will be good to see what comes of it all. I feel these posts are starting to repeat themselves.

Funny. Improv beginning to feel repetitive. Itll be good to have the structure. Create the passion. That will be the key.

Purpose

Im here to write

To write about what i do not always know. What is the purpose of todays content? Accountability. Plain and simple. To make good on my word to try to write more. To not need these illusive writing careers or famcy god given talents to just show up and keep a promise. Im not a closet writer. Who wants to write but never does. Well i am in a way, but this is me trying to own that. To simple honor that if can happen in any way or any form. I really credit the Artist Way for this confidence. To totally let myself off the leash of expectations. Feel more like a kid going out to play. Must. Not. Write. So. Much. In. One. Paragraph…

Well im proud im doing it. I do feel abit like i loose my voice when i try to write so often. Its really directionless. Learning to crawl. I notice i dont publish them all on my facebook as im alittle self conscious they are too light and unspecific. Perhaps that is my next key. To release the judge from his role. Maybe i just post what i write, rather then what i think people want to hear/read.

Try to focus on the principles. Consistency. Progress. Creativity. Experimentation. Those are the under currents, hidden forces of these posts. Those principles keep it coming. Maybe i can write about those things that make me write.

It does feel more instinctual to do this. To show up. I feel like a writer even though i know itll take a fan base or regular feelings of being seen to really move to a next stage in my evolution. Apart of me is just thinking- write, the rest will come. A better writer, a consistent writer, will be what i believe is valuable. Someone who has the discipline, self trust, devotion, to start writing that many times. But is it simply enough to do a blog post for 20 minutes few times a week. Does breakthrough occur there. Is that really a deeply nourished state of possibility. Who knows. But you cant get to 40 minutes a day without enjoying 20.

Thats the principle of growth. Added to the foundation before it. Built on the highs of yesterdays. Maybe 20 minutes will become my new low bar rather then my high peak. Its all apart of the experience of growth. Of discovery and expansion. Im happy im even here. And im creating the framework. The content. Trajectory. Path and passion will all present themselves. Trust in that piece and it can gake you far.

Feel like my own coach. Giving my support and motivation. Write. Make free throws. Practice. Daily practice.

I romanticize Paulo Coelho. He writes one book every few years. He does a focused sprint for 3 weeks, and thats it. Man i wish to just do that. Write when i feel enlisted. When my time has come. And spend the rest of my time reading and experiencing life. It feels so counter intuitive to our lives. But its like a sport i suppose. Am i playing little leagues. Depends who you ask. Of my immediate circle i imagine im one of the few with a blog who writes. Sure there are others who do alot. Still doesn’t down play my self.

Learning to play. Thats what this is. Cant argue with that. I can set bigger and bigger bars. These are confidence boosts. I do these more for me then anyone. Just to feel like i can do it. These little proofs are surprisingly valuable.

Well im on a roll. My roll. My inner judge to critic my self. Im not gonna size me up to someone elses ruler or metric. Feeling content in that individuality. That sense of self. Legitimatly doing it for me so there is the value and reward. Right here.