Im in school currently, and I have every excuse not to write. Yet, I just find when I get really motivated and in a good place I feel a surge to do it, even when circumstancially I tell myself I shouldent. Im too busy…Funny, I feel too busy for alot of things. I want to to watch this youtube vi.deo after this, about star-delta connectors. What that is, not even sure, something to do with engineering. Learning about the inner workings of the world has been a huge new surge for me. Learning mostly mechanical and electrical stuff, engines alot, and electricity, magnetism. Its a huge new frontier in the world of Adam. I also am suddenly wanting to do the chief Saturday. I dont have the time, and would probably have to leave home at 6. Ironic. I dont have the time, I say, but here I am, so clealy, I do have the time, I just have to sit with alot of inner conflict to do it. I have alot of shoulds I must endure, and alot of ‘other’ things I ‘should’ be doing. Well, hell with em. Nah, im kidding, but mostly just trying to come to terms. I find this act very creative and improv. Abit free spirited, and well, vulnderable, fun, and overall fulfilling. I dont have much I have in mind to say.
Ill talk about school. I noticed as someone who likes to be well prepared, it can be an exhausting habit in school. Always studying more, reading, etc. I feel for people who do years and years of this. What commitment, focus, wow. Ironic that was me at 17 for a few years, but I didnt have the same dedication I do today. I really try, I think back then I really tried to try as little as possible. It was an ends to a means, a constant not wanting to do the work. Now I find it more fascinating then I used too. Had I subscribed to the idea that people only do education when they are 17-21 for example, then I would have been in school during some of the more immature years of my life. Maybe it is better to go when your abit older. Sure you loose some grounds in terms of experience, but it does make for a very rich and exciting learning environment. I noticed myself constantly searching university courses and different degrees that are out there. Just to get ideas of what exists in this world.
Learning electrical these days has really inspired a real engineering side of me. It can feel tough, daunting even to imagine transitioning like that in later years of life (lol not even 30, at my ‘later years’, haha), but I do think that is a fault in our society. That over ease of beginning while you are young, and the struggle/inertia faced to change years down the road. I just notice that. Heck, maybe all these engineering videos are just fun past times, just things I want to learn on youtube when I can choose to follow my curiosity, and have no commitment to anything further, just expanding my horizons. Perhaps take the label off and just enjoy them for what they are – interesting videos, and if it leads further, great, if not, no worries. That sort of freedom is also nice, to just follow the road and see where I go.
Im also moving by end of this month. I find ive moved so many times. It bugs me, especially since each time I move I tend to be really resistant to it. How ive moved so many times in my life, bewilders me. I think of myself as someone who has barely moved, as someone who has barely traveled, and hasnt done many wild things in life. Even though ive done many of all those above, its just ironic I dont feel the identity of those things today. Those past experiences dont fuel me today, they fueled me many yesterdays. So its fun to reflect on that, how we can change as we grow. It takes a sort of leap to really not identify with your past, good or bad, and just live for the experiences you love today, even if they contradict your past, even if they were never on your radar. Years ago when I had the travel bug, staying in Vancouevr felt so difficult, yet walking on the beach so many times can continually reinforce the wonders of the city, and seeing my family so often, moments I didnt engage in as much in my early twenties. Maybe its what some people do in their twenties, or just what I did. Either way, I feel that vibe of being in a new chapter of my life, and it is interesting.
Also interesting Ill be 30 in a month. Ironic, I wouldnt have expected to be in school and covid at this time last year. Not exactly the birthday I would choose, but then again, theres alot about this year that many people would say the same about. Perhaps there is the common bonding in that, the novelty and comradery of the strangeness of the celebrations and challenges of this year. During beginning of covid I felt really elated. I was in a cool home, great people, and feeling really inspired and doing/learning alot. I feel past few weeks abit of that high gone, and sort of feeling the more mundane side of covid rather then the break from work, the relaxing at home. I remember thinking of covid as a time to go inward, yet im getting cabin fever of my own self. Especially with winter coming. So im naming that, seeing that. And its apart of the battle ill face, and im sure everyone faces their own unique one. We all got our battles, and its not a comparison of who has it easier, or who won bigger harder battles. We all have our journey. As textbook as it is to say that, its true. Mine may be these random blog posts. Once in a while, im like a seal coming for air. Showing the world this exists, and then going back into my reality and own world. Crazy but true.
Well to end this. Hmm. Glad I wrote. Showed up. That I can keep the energy alive and see what it brings. Be brave? I guess that how ill end it. Do something. I didnt have the time, but well, clearly I did. So there was something more behind that. I didnt have the emotional capacity to put more on my plate. I didnt have the courage to say maybe im procrastinating, delaying, have the time and am not using it, etc. Its alot more deniability to say I dont have the time. To put the blame on things outside of me. To prolong the already prolonged. Ill get alot of yes men energy from society that its ok, that its apart of life to get busy, youll get back eventually, and its true. Yet apart of me also needs abit of that bitter medicine. I did have the time. I didnt have the capacity, or the courage to do more then my emotions wanted. To leap. But today I did. Yippie!