School, life, now, write

Im in school currently, and I have every excuse not to write. Yet, I just find when I get really motivated and in a good place I feel a surge to do it, even when circumstancially I tell myself I shouldent. Im too busy…Funny, I feel too busy for alot of things. I want to to watch this youtube vi.deo after this, about star-delta connectors. What that is, not even sure, something to do with engineering. Learning about the inner workings of the world has been a huge new surge for me. Learning mostly mechanical and electrical stuff, engines alot, and electricity, magnetism. Its a huge new frontier in the world of Adam. I also am suddenly wanting to do the chief Saturday. I dont have the time, and would probably have to leave home at 6. Ironic. I dont have the time, I say, but here I am, so clealy, I do have the time, I just have to sit with alot of inner conflict to do it. I have alot of shoulds I must endure, and alot of ‘other’ things I ‘should’ be doing. Well, hell with em. Nah, im kidding, but mostly just trying to come to terms. I find this act very creative and improv. Abit free spirited, and well, vulnderable, fun, and overall fulfilling. I dont have much I have in mind to say.

Ill talk about school. I noticed as someone who likes to be well prepared, it can be an exhausting habit in school. Always studying more, reading, etc. I feel for people who do years and years of this. What commitment, focus, wow. Ironic that was me at 17 for a few years, but I didnt have the same dedication I do today. I really try, I think back then I really tried to try as little as possible. It was an ends to a means, a constant not wanting to do the work. Now I find it more fascinating then I used too. Had I subscribed to the idea that people only do education when they are 17-21 for example, then I would have been in school during some of the more immature years of my life. Maybe it is better to go when your abit older. Sure you loose some grounds in terms of experience, but it does make for a very rich and exciting learning environment. I noticed myself constantly searching university courses and different degrees that are out there. Just to get ideas of what exists in this world.

Learning electrical these days has really inspired a real engineering side of me. It can feel tough, daunting even to imagine transitioning like that in later years of life (lol not even 30, at my ‘later years’, haha), but I do think that is a fault in our society. That over ease of beginning while you are young, and the struggle/inertia faced to change years down the road. I just notice that. Heck, maybe all these engineering videos are just fun past times, just things I want to learn on youtube when I can choose to follow my curiosity, and have no commitment to anything further, just expanding my horizons. Perhaps take the label off and just enjoy them for what they are – interesting videos, and if it leads further, great, if not, no worries. That sort of freedom is also nice, to just follow the road and see where I go.

Im also moving by end of this month. I find ive moved so many times. It bugs me, especially since each time I move I tend to be really resistant to it. How ive moved so many times in my life, bewilders me. I think of myself as someone who has barely moved, as someone who has barely traveled, and hasnt done many wild things in life. Even though ive done many of all those above, its just ironic I dont feel the identity of those things today. Those past experiences dont fuel me today, they fueled me many yesterdays. So its fun to reflect on that, how we can change as we grow. It takes a sort of leap to really not identify with your past, good or bad, and just live for the experiences you love today, even if they contradict your past, even if they were never on your radar. Years ago when I had the travel bug, staying in Vancouevr felt so difficult, yet walking on the beach so many times can continually reinforce the wonders of the city, and seeing my family so often, moments I didnt engage in as much in my early twenties. Maybe its what some people do in their twenties, or just what I did. Either way, I feel that vibe of being in a new chapter of my life, and it is interesting.

Also interesting Ill be 30 in a month. Ironic, I wouldnt have expected to be in school and covid at this time last year. Not exactly the birthday I would choose, but then again, theres alot about this year that many people would say the same about. Perhaps there is the common bonding in that, the novelty and comradery of the strangeness of the celebrations and challenges of this year. During beginning of covid I felt really elated. I was in a cool home, great people, and feeling really inspired and doing/learning alot. I feel past few weeks abit of that high gone, and sort of feeling the more mundane side of covid rather then the break from work, the relaxing at home. I remember thinking of covid as a time to go inward, yet im getting cabin fever of my own self. Especially with winter coming. So im naming that, seeing that. And its apart of the battle ill face, and im sure everyone faces their own unique one. We all got our battles, and its not a comparison of who has it easier, or who won bigger harder battles. We all have our journey. As textbook as it is to say that, its true. Mine may be these random blog posts. Once in a while, im like a seal coming for air. Showing the world this exists, and then going back into my reality and own world. Crazy but true.

Well to end this. Hmm. Glad I wrote. Showed up. That I can keep the energy alive and see what it brings. Be brave? I guess that how ill end it. Do something. I didnt have the time, but well, clearly I did. So there was something more behind that. I didnt have the emotional capacity to put more on my plate. I didnt have the courage to say maybe im procrastinating, delaying, have the time and am not using it, etc. Its alot more deniability to say I dont have the time. To put the blame on things outside of me. To prolong the already prolonged. Ill get alot of yes men energy from society that its ok, that its apart of life to get busy, youll get back eventually, and its true. Yet apart of me also needs abit of that bitter medicine. I did have the time. I didnt have the capacity, or the courage to do more then my emotions wanted. To leap. But today I did. Yippie!

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Essay on writing, being, doing.

We romanticize the idea of being all in on our ideas. Like mine of writing. That one day ill be chasing that feeling. Maybe when i finish electrical, then ill invest more in it. I say it can wait until then. And that gnaws at me. That becomes a lazyness on my part. It takes away the hunger i have, it numbs it. I question, if i want to do it so bad, then why do i barely do it in my spare time. Its abit hard to really admit. I perpetually wait. Procrasinate. Writing about writing. And if i had no work, is be writing abiut what to write. What to do with my free time. Im very over romanticizing of things. I wish to write about Berlin, but do i. Do i want to imagine it more then do it. Where is the huslter in me now. What comfort am i clinging too. What discomfort am i avoiding. These thoughts are powerful. Some thrive when its do or die. When its work or not work. All or nothing can bring out the best in us. Its tempting. Bet it all. But where is that spirit in me now. Even in the life i live now. Where is that worker. That clarity that this is that moment im waiting on. Waiting for the day when i cant wait no more. Craving this perfect, idyllic place. Feeling. So misunderstood. Maybe im not taking the craft serious enough. I dont devour writing at all times. Dont consider it a craft, but, an art. Detached from the perception of practise and mastery, and over sold on the idea of “itll just come out perfect” and “if i wait for the right idea, feeling, passion” itll trandscend this. Ignorant the very people i idolize didnt have such a view. That that idea works..on a bedrock of consistency, talent, persistence. Is my one off blogs every week just a romantic hope. A realistic acceptance and action oriented pursuit. Or is it a slow burn. A side hobby. A small impact and small effort. Do i reap what i sow? And does idea mode and hope distract from the actual need for concrete progress and movement. I feel my blog is like self psychology sessions. Dissecting my habits, putting the mirror on my self. My patterns. Excuses. And well-clarifying my expectations. I have this belief i can just awake one day a great writer. Better yet song writer. Have no failures, embarrassment, trials and tough experiences along the way. A spoiled view, or maybe misinformed way of getting from A to B. Im too scared in ways to write about anything else then stuff like this. Personal, self assessments. I have an idea of something more, but it doesnt seem to birth. By tomorrow, or next week, the wind in the sails have gone. I havent made a clear commitment and goal for myself. I am vague on if its a sign of progress to write. Or is it better to read, exercise, call a friend. The priorities seem abit unexamined. So. Float mode continues. Be nice to know others. Who outside of school, are in a self induced project and focus. Who its not just work and then entertainment/exercise/eat/rest. I feel really isolated, or just uncanningly desireful for more then what i have now. I suppose we all have dreams, i just feel they are so inward for alot of us. Hidden from public sight. Unaware to our own selves at times. Awaiting that day. When were older, when its easier. Perpetually needing it to be easier. For the circumstances of life to favor us more. Some magic day. Where we feel it. Where things just click. I feel like you cant bake a cake with that mentality. Maybe life is a mix of clarity and unknown whateverness. A duality of action and hope. Of assertive progress, and self justified comforted procrastination. Well, moments like this are informative. I blog. I grow. I reveal. It serves many metrics. It will take time, but thats not a get out of work free statement. I cant control those things, but the battle i face is with myself when i ask, “do i really need to/want to write tonight” imagine im in a future, where i blog for money. Write for money. Electrical work is hard work, how can i possibly give the same energy to writing. Will i write 8 hours a day? Will that really be my life? Again , romantisizing, but just asking. Is that how we measure what we love, or want to do? If we will do it 8 hours a day. Fit into one model of work. One ruler. What if i write 3-4 hours a day. I guess i feel a sense of guilt. How many ppl in this world work the 40 hour weeks. And some do 20, 30. Good people working long hours. Its strange. Is society only allowing those who insist on 20 or 30 hour work weeks to get them. That 40 is the default, and its you who must choose. Society wont get you there. We are pushed one measuring ruler on us. Its our responsibility, and proof, if we ever want to change that. I have many ‘ideas’of who i am. Ones i presume will be happier, easier version to live by. These complex fantasys. Untested. And well, clearly not trusted enough or id be doing them. Maybe theres a sense of unempowerment. Can i really do it. Is it all just a fun story i tell myself. Where are the other dreamers? Scattered over various threads over the internet? Distant elsewhere. I suppose my introversion during covid has spurred alot of inner questioning. With less social contact, how do i perceive reality? How good is my memory…I feel i identify with my surroundings. Always needing reassurance that we all are striving for our best life. Our happiest future. Something worth fighting for. That makes us happy and excited. I go through waves of optimism. And waves of autopilot, where i dont think of writing. Travel. That is my new normal. Covid will go. These forces were alive before covid. The restlessness. Chasing what ifs. Dreaming to big for my capacity. Too many ideas. Not enough doing. Love to talk about the thing but not do it. Why??? It confuses me that notion. That we predict something is right or will work, yet dont test, attempt, go for it. Where is the lag in that? And do so many in society even have those thoughts? Is it just a forceful acceptance of life? Is that the old normal for many. Is it too painful to have a dream and nog go for it? Better to just have none at all. Can atleast try to say you didnt fail. Are we lacking more role models? More doers. Not sure. Are they among us and we dont even credit them. See them. Are we still blaming others or the system or money or age or a million things. There is always a scapegoat. Always a force justifying your pain. Your stuck feeling. How awful, humiliating, scary it wouls be if all this was just different versions of our own procrasination. Everyday a new reason. Who am i to blame if i dont write for a week? What task was more important, that i couldent pull out a simple 5 minutes. I have no sense of devotion. Im very whimsical. I have to remember to write. It sneaks up on me. Im very unintentional. Very unplanned. Fail to plan, plan to fail – as they say. Where is the self illumination here. The I am consitent regardless of X. And the X is always changing and always there. Hard to accept. To call on ourselves for more. To say, damn, maybe im playing it safe. Easy. Apart of the solution is the hardest role. Its uncomfortable, exhausting, and is adding more responsibility when all you (and everyone else) wants and craves is less. Im not responsible for the meat or to-go packaging or climate change. Theres a certain relief in that. What do i have to change if i am responsible. How much effort will i put. Its easy now to say im too small of an impact, so i can get away with anything. If everyone has that we go nowhere. This post has taken many directions. Its not my usual to have one topic. But maybe thats my own sense of entitlement. I can write however or whatever i want and people will have to like that for what it is. Until i have no readers or wonder why my writing isnt growing or sticking with others. I dont view this like a trade or service, that i am adapting to suit others needs, and maybe thats my downfall, or challenge. To let go of my preconceived ideas or comforts and be willing to meet in the middle. How i hate editing my flow, but is this for me or you? Or us. Maybe sacrifice is a healthy step towards harmony. Creating what people actually want to read. How i dream that what i authentically want to write is what people genuinely want to read. But the deer doesnt want to die by the lion. The hungover person doesnt want to go to work that next day. Having alot of “it is what it is” energy. And lately, by this point in articles im spaced out about all i need to do/should be doing, etc. How do you write for people like me? Where nothing is enough. How to capture that same part of me always in do mode. Well do mode is worry. Worried we arnt doing enough. Guess my best hope is understanding. That they get more insight here about learning of the cycle they are in then by going and engaging in it. That its more helpful to see the pattern then to do another task under the motive of that worry. Im writing for me in a way. This writing reduces my restlessness. And itll be worth it for others when it reduces theirs to read it. When that is/how that is, i dont know. Trying, but i dont know what to do. So i free write. Hoping itll come. And this insight is at the end of the post. It would take someone so much commitment to get to here. By the begining they may already be lost, uninspired, doubtful, on to another task of thing. How to start with attention. Beats me. Feel im apprenticing here, trying to learn and figure it out. Too bad everything in the world wasnt an apprenticeship. Where we got to learn by doing, with a mentor. School is that in a way, but it can be so unpractical. Ironic, i feel all my writing is just point after point of opinions. Clearly im a human containing alot of these, meanwhile i can be very humble abd gracious outside of here. What are others opinions? How do you voice them? Each has their way. I write to say alot. To notice my emotional response to simply writing. To feel my own senses, what do i feel like saying, but also what do i think people want to hear. And accepting my skill. Im growing, and thatll take time to be good enough to earn time. To earn readers. It will take devotion. And perhaps alot of work i deem good will go unread, unnoticed. Can be pretty demotivating. Why bother. Should i join the world, making more noticed work that i care less about. Maybe im liberated by the lack of eyes. These days are perhaps my most free of all. I have no category. No expectations. No rules to adhere to or identity i have formed. Im a blogger, read by a few friends and family. Following a vague feeling for 30 minutes. Trying to sort out what so many people say never makes sense – life. Chasing some mysterious feeling or sense. A form of vague hope. Wishing things go well. That some clearing the clouds happen and i just get it. I go full board on something. Feel much more concrete and focused on my life. Less guessing and vague and more chosen and understanding. If i want those alot then they are important resources to me, and anything valuable takes time and effort. Sure that may come, but it may take many posts and contemplation before i get to the other side. The insight is built brick by brick, not stumbled on like a chunk of gold. Gold mining was a lucrative way. And maybe my self perception was that way for awhile. Boom or bust. Chasing that golden ticket. Like everyone. But it seems there are so few success stories. People off the internet. How we all yearn to be that winning ticket. To show our friends and family whats possible. But we dream longer and longer with less to show for it. Our credibility falls. Our self trust gets questioned. When is a right time to second guess ourselves? Does age decide? Others? Whats our metric. When do we know when we are failing or suceeding? And what do you do when what you feel like should be working isnt? That statement encompasses so much. Thats such a core. At that point we may loose trust, step further out of our comfort zones, accept lower standards. Where is that part of us that can withstand those challenges. Can rise when at that point. Can build on all weve done right up until that point rather then get lost in the few things weve done wrong. Life really is a puzzle in that sense. Life is always a fork in the road. A battle of two forces. Maybe this is a rest period. A time of retreat. The years where you internally feel like your just not at full gear, despite being tired or doing alot. Its like an inefficinecy. It works, but not perfectly. Not flawlessly. What a word, a high hoped one. Who guaranteed flawlessness. Perfection. How rough it can be to accept the reality that it isnt, wont be, yadayada. But writing daily doesnt exist in a perfection world, just in the world we are in now. Everyone csn imagine a more perfect world. We have amazing moments, but we all have our dreams. Perhaps its naive to imagine that will ever change. Maybe the lucky few are just the lucky few. Some people feel very quick to accept that. Maybe its my downfall anf self suffering to not accept that. Maybe ill be chasing the thing that doesnt exist rather than relaxing, watching a show, eating, accepting the world as it is. Chasing that bliss, that vague, feeling. That music only you can hear and feel. How sad that is less common nowadays. And maybe its more common then i know. From the outside someone may look at me as one of those same people – devoid of a story if abundance, brilliance, loving imagination. We all have our paths. Maybe mine is to see that force more in others. That wonderment within everyday people, rather then select few. To assume its there. That’s its intertwined into humanity, our dna. Thst it cant be weeded out. How optimistic life would feel, hopeful. Well, thats my sense for the day. Im full of writing as always. Its not a chore, yet it takes so much admission to bring me here. Why it isnt like food, effortless, sometimes addictive. This is the oppisate. Sometimes daunting, avoidable. Even if the insights are valuable, healing. Like the cold shower. Every medicine is bitter sweet. Is a deviation from our auto pilot. Perhaps this is our struggle. The challenge of indulging in anything besides the everyday. Stuck in our patterns and cycles. We will go to same places, eat same ways, read same things, and struggle to trully invite new cycles into our lives. We dont shop different, so we dont allow new things in. We dont allow them in so they get less support and go through harder times, maybe dont stay around. Its a equal ecosystem. Esch needs the other, yet also resents the other. I need these moments of resistance and challenge as much as i need the comforts. The comforts justify the challenges. Ok. This blog post is now a small book. Thank you fo reading. Maybe no one got this far and i am here in my own little world. Its still worth it. Thats why i do it. ✌

How

When you need food,

But got a croissant

Medicine,

But instead got coffee

Results, nope got delays

Beachfront, instead got my head

High hopes is my new drug

Life on a rollercoaster

Humanity on a rollercoaster

How blissful it would be to be

Ignorant, unaware. Is that the cure?

Is detachment the happiness?

Poetry sparked by blissful monotony

Sun on my stillness

Im projecting on everyone

It must be so nice…

Somewhere, someone says that to me

The food chain of grass is greeners

I wanted a battle and got a defeat

Envious of those knee in the deepS

Sometimes the prison is

Better than being free

The shells on the ground

One day thatll be me

I avoid it, reject it, deny it.

Lost at sea is how i feel

Sitting by the beach,

That used to fix everything

Whats changed you or me?

All my writing follow the same theme

Destined to bloom and destined to weep

Come here with expectations i couldent meet

Want a tone in my writing that feels like harmony

Outlast, soon reality will come back

Falling apart on the same log bench that i come back to life.

Endure, the true test is can you endure

Time, the most misunderstood object of all

Rushing. Pleading, i can’t endure. Escape.

I cling to that perfect Adam.

Chasing the perfect hit of life.

That dream.The unlived dream my present day pain.

Who doesnt have that?

The wish we wished?

The hope we hoped?

Come to terms!

How i wish i could have been like the lucky ones who never have to?

Living like we will never die

Eating like we never kill

Spending. Spending. Spending.

Too sober. A world fundamentally built by drunks.

I feel the most careless when im careful.

Life is a balance of not trying at all meanwhile giving it everything you got.

Destined to fail. To make a mistake.To outlast. To perpetually, indefinitely, repetitively – outlast.

And slowly i hear the ocean.

The waves, the tide, the birds, even the plane. I see the rocks, the sand, my sweater. I feel it. I feel the sun. The tire of the bike, the sound of the child. God turns up the music – heaven is so invisible. So fragile, impermanent.

How

Cookie cutters.

I was reading that Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love author) was reading story books all the times a kid. She says in her imagination she hit the 10,000 hour mark when she was probably 8. What an upbringing.

I remember reading Paulo Coelho (Alchemist author) was reading multiple books a week in his earlier years.

Its ironic. These current successes were once dreamers. Yet their track record to me almost feels like a cookie cutter. Ofcourse someone with those upbringing or that obsession for books creates something beautiful…how expected. Yet to them it must of been so hard to imagine until it did.

I (maybe we) think about this in many different contexts. I think of my work as an electrician. At times i wonder am i the cookie cutter mold for this job? Was i playing with tools as a kid, had family and friends in these roles, and was always inspired and wanting to work in those industries. At times i wonder, are jobs only made for those who had that specific sort of childhood that breads them for it? Those specific mind who is ‘built’ for certain jobs or roles?

Or better yet, will people become their best selves if they only follow the mold they were brought up into.

At times with me and writing, i feel like I’m someone so out of the cookie cutter mold. I just randomly got into it. After writing song lyrics in university, then suddenly writing had a seat at my table of interests. Before then it was invisible. Alot of children’s non fiction books i may have wanted to read if i had this passion in those years.

Engineers, coders, you-name-its, i feel we dont hear enough of those who rose in their respective fields with little or no background in it. How many engineers start at 30. Writers. Etc. Im sure they do exist. I feel we get demotivated. 10 year olds are starting now. As if everything in life is some competition or comparison. What does it matter? Is it about employability? Under employed at what you do want, over worked at what you dont want?

I think i bring this post up as ive had alot of “but i wasnt into this as a kid” logic to justify what i do and dont do. Im not something because of that perception and can only be something else because of it. The cookie can only be the mold?

I think the world needs more breaks from the cookie cutter. Unqualified people trying something completely new. Late bloomers. Change of courser’s. Who dont use the past to measure what they should or shouldent do today. Redefine themselves by new insights they make. Change course. And perhaps a society that embraces that. Sure, its great to be a master in one field. Its also important to embrace flexibility, diversity, change. I think each field needs some new faces. Fresh faces. More free thinkers in conservative industries, and vice verca. The value is each side getting out of its bubble.

Being around to many of your kind (whatever that means to you, can mean a million different things) can be a curse of the yes-man energy. I heard other day the biggest challenge famous people have is being surrounded by yes-men (yes-people to be more politically correct). Those who reaffirm whatever you say, unchallenging, unwilling to poke or test. Abit of imposter syndrome is healthy for the soul. Be out of your league and industry abit. Diversity should include you being in places you feel out of your element. To always be in the familiar is the cookie cutter, is the perfectionist, the fantasy, the life and idealism that doesnt truly really exist.

Life is the journey

Heard this today. Weve all heard this at one time. I think – why is it we need to be reminded of things like this?

Why cant we read it once and thats enough, it will stick. But like something you buy, it can sit in the closet. Unused. Forgotten. Good to be re-reminded. When we think its about the end destination then its all sacrificial. We dont trully measure about how much we enjoy the work, the task, we just care once i get to the end. Thats my goal. Whats the point? I heard that there are no ends, only means. Would you agree? Theres a goals. I learn abit of hebrew sometimes, did abit of krav maga pre covid, dabbling into coding courses. Do we ‘force’ ourselves to complete things. Is it ok to be a culture simply satisfying our curiosities. Is that healthiest. Are we perpetual drop outs? Or numb goal finishers. Lol, who knows.

In the Artist Way, Julia Cameron spoke of our modern materialistic world as one obsessed about completing things. That we yearn to finish things, be done, even if the road to doing so is unpredictable, unhealthy, if the ends justify the means its worth it. Would i go to more drawing classes, sculpting classes if there was no emphasis on becoming ‘good’ at it. No utility. No practicality to my life. Perhaps that is a gift we too often overlook. Overfixated on application, rather than in the moment joy and fulfillment.

I think there is this impression that if people allowed themselves this novelty, this childlike attitude of irresponsibility. Learning for the sake of joy rather than some job, role, wage, security. How would this world be different? Id learn alot more, with alot less pressure that i need to ‘do’ anything with it. To satisfy a. Curious thirst for knowledge.

I think there is a romanticism that we apply what we learn. That its more then empty calories. Its something substantial and worth it. It can be put in the ‘known’ category. Solving a specific problem with a specific solution. How hard it can be to stay in the lines of that sort of focus. To always be learning applicable, relevant knowledge.

I guess the connecting of distinct ideas is very empowering. Lately learning about electricity has made me see much more of the material world then i was ever aware existed, giving me a respect for the engineering and mechanics that our world has. How that physical knowledge has been a spiritual one. To marvel, to be astounded, is a very humbling experience. Bring respect to humanity, creativity, imagination, wonder. And also resilience. What is normal to us- such as hot water at the turn of a knob, even 50 stories up in a condo. Or a light bulb, which is generated in a power plant perhaps 100’s of kms away. Or your car, the fascinating mechanics of how gears, engines work. That rabbit hole has been incredibly inspiring!

What i do with that knowledge? Enjoy it. Marvel at how unique the world is. This planet we inhabit with countless inventions. We havent even touched on art, plant kingdom, space, ocean life. What an unmeasurable amount of diversity and knowledge.

What to learn? Can be such a daunting question. I think its more like being in a new city. You follow advice, rabbit holes to new places. Going with the flow. Humility. Lots of humility. Enjoy the journey. Its like a song. The point is not to finish the song, but enjoy listening to each note of the music