So sunny inside

Its another day after a fresh amount of snow has dropped. The mountains appear crisp. Blue skys. Kids outside, people taking their dogs for a walk. And with all this, i feel perfectly content at home.

Vancouver is a very outdoor city. The mountains. The forest. Rock climbers, mountain bikers, stand up paddle boarders. Trail runners, triathlon enthusiasts, skiers, people snowshoeing. So many various outdoor sports and activities. I hear thats why people come here. To experience nature, to see it. Yet i feel heavily entrenched in a work mode that seems to overshadow my desire for the outdoors. I think thats crucial. Its a prison when you desire the outdoors but have no possibility to see it. I think that is the difference between liking what your doing and not liking it.

Its ironic in ways to live in such an outdoor city and to be so immersed in indoor things. To be fair it is work stuff that i am passionate about, with hopes it will actually give me more time to go outside one day, but the contradiction of it is very apparent. To live in such an outdoorsy city, and for it to have this right if passage, to myself atleast, doing all these steps and processes till i feel ready and fully present to be there. Those forces feel very real and are very much so giving me the mindset and pace to move through this all and do what feels right. I just reflect to the days i worked at MEC, when i traveled so freely and leisurely, and to how much has changed since then.

This feels very much like the craftsman. Working in a workspace, learning. Understanding. While the world outside of me is busy, flowing, im solitary, focused. Its a healthy contradiction. Time spent in anything will take hours and work. So its worth it to really do it. I dont feel a sense of FOMO about the outdoors. I really dont want to stop what im doing and do that. I feel im actually being responsible for my future. Trying my best to be accountable, to be clear with what my goals are and what my purpose of doing this is. Some sense of financial security, of understanding a craft and meticulously learning and understanding it. That feels really gratifying to me right now. It can feel exciting, beneficial, and always so much to learn and understand. So despite the sunshine and snow outside, im good inside. In my own world, doing what i want to do and seeing where the world will take me for it. Just exploring those places and finding whats on the other side.

Its been a nice holidays to finally have the time and space to execute on these projects. To have the interest, discipline, passion, and curiosity for it all. I do feel grateful to be in that place. Life seems to simplify alot during that. So i trust my journey with it. Ill need to move on to new projects and ideas soon. So its apart of the journey to do my best. To learn my boundaries. To protect what i enjoy. And to make the best decisions i can while in the process. All apart of the experience. Onto new things when they present themselves, but for now focusing on the task infront of me.

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End of the year

Its coming up to the last few days of the year. The goals we set at the beginning are coming to an end. The holidays are being enjoyed and are a time to relax for many people. Soon people will go back to school, work, and start the entire process all over again.

Im coming into this years end abit more uninspired then most. I feel like the end of the year has this fresh start energy that alot of people experience. But with omicron, and just life events, the holidays and year end feels more happening then rejoicing.

These can be global themes. There is covid burnout for people. There is the darkness, the coldness, the challenges even nature prevents. There is global pandemics continuing and just overall lack of hope for many in culture. It can appear to be a fairly unceremonious time when all these highlight events come to their day. Yet they are these arbitrary milestones (new years, christmas) which are special in its own sense, but are not true deeply felt lasting change. Its very possible for nothing significant to happen on these days. For it to be more X’s on the calender and to just be counting the days to the next arbitrary milestone (canada day, thanksgiving, etc.)

These battles and experiences can be hard and difficult, but its not a given that every year, at this time of year, will everything be perfect, be easy, be as expected or as you hoped. There is the possibility for disappointment at any and every stage of life. The year end may be insignificant in some ways. What power do we give that day? Can we still find our purpose, our vision of what we want, and use this next year as the breeding ground for those visions. Let that be a hope and a potential. To see the opportunity ahead, before it arrives. To see the fruit when all your doing is planting seeds. Many aspects of life follows this timeline process. Our disconnection from nature has separated us from this. We want things to be fast, quick, like the butterfly. But great accomplishments and visions take time. The redwoods, the mountains, timelines of lifetimes, of centuries. Starting to think bigger then just each year. Each goal. It will take vision to go beyond that. To see the true ending, to see what is really possible. Give yourself space, and empathy. You wont always see the entire picture, have the emotional capacity, or the stamina to make your dreams come true. But give yourself time, motivation is cyclical. Not linear. The sun returns, the year rebegins. Recount the cycles. Remember the visions. Everything is in a process moving at its appropriate speed. Just give it time and space, all will be well. The year ends as it is supposed to, and say very little of the year ahead. Ive had optimistic, ambitious visions for years. Things out of control come into play. Welcome the unknown. Its humbling. Its powerful, more so then all our most fueled sense of control. The unknown is the master. It can end your plan, and force you to a new one. Be patient. Be grateful. Be listening. Know when we are being led anew, and recognize when we have to let control go and accept life as it comes.

Emotional intelligence

I lately have been lucky with my writing. I tend to have an idea brewing in my head before I actually hit the paper, and it makes it very clear and easy to flow out a post. My intention today is to test that. I normally would wait longer before writing but am trying to push myself to see how I do on my toes and what comes up as I write.

I was hovering around this topic today. I recall hearing about EQ many years ago, but realizing I didnt have much clear definition of what it is. Im not hear necessarily to define or explain it, as much as im going to share my experience google imaging it, which may end up leading to the same result.

One aspect of low EQ can be said to be easily argumentative. Although I dont always think of myself this way, I have seen patterns of this brewing inside me as of late. Some short temper or impatience.

There was a time in my life where I was really intaking alot of personal development resources. I remember that during that time I felt so considerate, so explanatory and civil and patient. I find nowadays im starting to see a people pleasing side in that approach (atleast the way I did it) and have begun to shift to another side, where im saying less, being more outspoken.

Can EQ waiver like this? Can someone who felt higher on those ideals suddenly backslide? I feel that somewhat. How we grow complacent, fatigued from trying, and tend to backtrack on the progress and approaches we once had.

Another indication of low EQ is emotional outbursts, as well as blaming others. I was beginning to recognize this in myself. Almost righteous blaming, as well as bottled up resentment coming to the surface. Seeing these signs of low EQ were pretty confronting to me, they seem to contradict so many philosophies I once really went the extra mile to try and uphold. I find lately, maybe with covid, maybe with just burnout, or fatigue, the sense of being less sharp with these habits, more susceptible to unfiltered responses. More leniency to being more impatient. These have liberated a sort of new expression of expression, of repressed emotions, of unconscious reactions. There is some sense of gratitude for such a release, but at the same time, must all liberation or freedom be contradictory to values you upheld, and in many ways still believe in today. I find that notion really troubling to come to terms with. Alot of identity with being aware, being caring, and thoughtful. Not intending to do so to a fault, but to some degree of caring integrity and community harmony. But is there harmony with suppression, with repressed emotions, with hard times and just unachieved self-care. Maybe these are side effects to those rhythms and times in life. Perhaps high EQ is what we strive for, rather then something we constantly are. Maybe those are the point, its not a product, its a goal. Goals are not necessarily always hit, but are strived for. Are acknowledging and honest when they are unmet. I think that is the principle of this. These signs are more outer manifestations of being not at rest and peace inside. When we are calm inside, our actions are calm outside.

EQ. Something that was on our radar at one time. Overlooked. Considered a business term perhaps. But I see it really describes a framework I can view myself through right now. Interesting how it all comes back around.

Rejuvinate

For weeks and months ive been looking forward to these holidays. To finally relax, have time to learn things on the internet. To not hurt my back, to wake up when my body wants. To not have so much pressure to complete something in one day. These have been minor stresses which have really accumulated over the weeks. The opportunity to now have more freedom and ease is something i really value and cherish.

It has brought up abit of guilt for me. Spending my first few hours really focused and clear and then loosing abit of momentum and clarity afterwards. I acknowledge it can feel like too much and can sometimes be daunting. Being able to articulate and predict what are reasonable goals and aspirations. And will me just having no structure and just wildly learning lead me there? Im not sure. It feels easy now, but i acknowledge it doesnt totally fall into my bigger vision or framework. And is what im learning truly turning into new actionable steps. Atleast my previous goals had real vision. Yet those visions feel less clear, and the instant reward of new projects feel exciting. So im giving myself a few days off the leash. My reward was to read. Im reading online. Its not a book. Its not leisurely. But i feel i am meeting my vision. I do feel good about that. I acknowledge it takes time and energy for things to transpire. Im just giving myself breathing room to go with change and allow my body to replenish and heal as it needs. Right now, just time to myself and clarity is really nice. So im embracing that. Rejuvination takes different forms in different circumstances. When we need to be private it takes this form. Learning. Discovering. Time alone. Not alot of inner work but alot of outer discovery. Embrace. See where the journey and path takes you. Itll be a good ride and just trust the journey to show you the way. Rejuvination, its a unique time. Allow that time to come to pass.

The Pianist

I watched this movie the other day. Its about a Jewish living in Poland during WW2. It makes me feel very sad when i watch these films. The contrast to my life today is too extreme. The amount of destruction, killing, heartlessness. I find it gut wrenching to imagine such a world, and yet many people have lived it. I think of how crazy it must have been, for parents. To endure such pain, and have such few hopes or options. I dont think we live enough from awareness of how those times must have been. I find lately im more acute of this. Seeing the nice coffee shops, my shelves of food, the cars, electricity, and just the safety. Its made me more grateful for what i have today. My long day at work, could still be worse. My sleep deprivation, in all its unfairness and frustration, is still manageable. Inconvenient. Its a new perspective to humble myself. I start to wonder, chasing job titles, things, it feels so out-of context. Is this important in a world where these have taken place? Dont you see how lucky you are today. Why feel unhappy your not in some fancier this or that. I feel like im pulling at the thread of fabric. Starting to see the world as it really is. Its funny, i find i have to give up doing ‘well’ in this system to then learn why its all a game. A societal game and ranking and rules etc. That we all play and abide by.

Anyways. The movie has had an impact on me, and in some ways, i widh this was more of a conversation and focus amongst young people. I feel we are not truly intimate with history,  past atrocities, and are just too immersed in todays politics and day to day events, to see its place amongst bigger contexts and life events. We get so involved in the game we dont even notice we are playing one. The knowledge and just depth of human misery that has been in this world is truly shattering and overwhelming. Its incomprehensible. And well, is easiest dealt with from a detached place.

My point is, im just noticing im viewing the world differently. Im contempt to be slower. To be more ok with less, more accepting of my tough circumstances. I find im more grateful im alive, able to learn about life and history.

At the same time i do feel myself wanting to protect myself. In some ways i am more concerned with have a practical, safe career. God forbid the workd ever fell to the place again id feel helpful. I recognize that sort of thinking seems abit extreme and fearful. Even amassing money. It can insulate to an extent. But also cant protect you, or others from circumstances out of your control. It can give a sense of meaning to chase something we believe gives us control. Thats not always the case. And maybe we are spending our freedom trying to create a false sense of security should we ever need it.

To conclude, theres alot to think about with all this. I can just state ive garnered a sense of meaning and purpose. It gives meaning to those peoples lives to see the world from awareness. Appreciation. Gratefulness. And also duty. No matter the times, there are those struggling. Somewhere. Being aware its not just back then that had pain. We can still improve and do good now. I think thats my message right now. Just being a better person and see the world through those eyes. The eyes of humanity.

Change gears

Ive been writing about lack of focus, addiction, money lately. Today im going to reflect on self care.

Its startling how different of a perspective one can have when they are speaking to themselves from a nice place. I think about those aspects, self love, self trust, gentleness with oneself. Compassionate speaking, and a real loving outlook for ones self and for others.

I can really be on edge and picky at times, and i find when i start to engage in thoughts like this i sincerely relax. I relax differently then a sedative. Its not that oh my mind is racing but i cant feel it. Or that its happening but im focused on something else. Or too tired to be effected. Instead that voice that is the root and power of all that is sincerely quieter. Is not feeling a need or urge to show up. What good is panicing if there is nothing wrong. These mindset flips are strange. They happen sometimes instantaneously, even though moments before i was fully in a stressful outlook to anything. I cant explain how those rearrange and flip so quickly. It can be a shock to say the least. The shock value shows just how off centre i must have been. Its like having water when your thirsty, or a warm blanket when you are cold. How would you even know you needed those things? How unaware are we of our needs and limits that we go so long suffering self willingly? This feels very eastern philosophy, yet i think were just so blind to our own realities. The world we see is how we perceive it. Not everyone lives in that same one. How stress clouds our perception. How joy and pain are expressed from the same person. One day the world is a safe trusting place, another day its not. It is us flipping, rather than reality.

These feels a step back from the world playing before us. The work hours, gas prices, bank account, dinner menu, hair cut, are all so insignificant. Are small details, distracting from the actual essence of it all. I feel that understanding and essence more when i really allow myself to let go. To stop the rat race of thoughts and breathe through it all. Sometimes the solution is to not obsess on the problem. The problem isnt the problem. Thats far beyond us sometimes, when every wrong is a hammer and nail outlook. Weve exasperated life to a complex boardgames, of games with games with games. Its a rabbit hole of complexity. Its beautiful, and at its core, a game. Can you be objective when your playing a board game at home? Ofcourse its different. My bad days have real tangability beyond a game. My stresses and journey im on are at times never ending or deeply difficult. Im not trying to down play or invalidate those.

I get stuck at these points. Trying to use my few good insights to explain or change my bad ones. Im not hoping to downplay someone elses life who is trully going through struggle and pain. And an affirmation is perhaps the least of a solution sometimes in life. I recognize that and get that. Those dont mean this doesnt exist. That relief and gentle listening to a more loving person inside of you. Yes, alot of hours in my life, im far from this. And i can say, when i do fall into those moments, and witness it, it feels lovely. Light. Easeful. I feel patient. Forgiving. Curious. Warm. Loving. Its not on demand. And not always possible. But when i do feel it i try to receive it. To be grateful for it. Its like a bird at close. Its there. Momentarily. Soon ill be underslept, over worked, and rebounded to my autopilot. I acknowledge that. Its not easy but is apart of the journey. Im not philosopher, or expert, just trying to explain and share my experience. No explanation is for everyone. And there are times where i would read this very thing suspiciously, critically, and dismissively. I get it. Thats totally fine. Its not meant to be for everyone, no one is. Hopefully its just me discovering a new part of myself and trying to understand and learn about it.

Compulsiveness

My past few posts have had themes of cryptocurrency and investing, aswell as addiction and boundaries. These are subjects im still focusing on as they are elements of myself that still surprise me and control me at times.

The crypto side of me feels very drawn into investments. Not being very clear about how much ill invest but just riding on the whim of my emotions. If something seems good ill invest. Now, im concerned if god forbid the crypto market crashes i would be very sad, and need to balance my emotions and choices here. To invest in a way where you are protected from that. Yet i feel myself scared ill miss on a big chance to grow an investment. If over 5 years it grows substantially, ill be upset i didnt put more in at the time. Its that fear that motivates and influences me, so i need to be clear on that. Supposedly 5 years from now ill still be working, earning money, advancing a craft, so im not looking to these to necessarily fund my life. They are added bonuses if they go up. I dont consider myself very materialistic and have no desires for an expensive home or car, but can see the importance of say a down payment, should i choose to go this route. That desperation for a lifestyle change or growth can be the starting of an addiction. Are you looking for an easy way to create change, getting lucky on some investment? Or is that where a portion of your savings go while your work and consistent growth is the true bedrock of your finances. Investments are good and appropriate, but i find i drain myself on research that i loose the energy i need for my more real world responsibilities. I find myself at work more distracted. As i drive feelings its a waste of time to not listen to a podcast on crypto. Have i sincerely begun to go too much one way. How can i feel solid and grounded while im betting on luck or things seemingly out of my control to unfold in a favorable outcome( and that what benefits me may detriment someone else). These impulsive, knee jerk responses. Like the gambling addict, thinking they have that real chance and thing. Its about having your money do the work for you, rather than you constantly thinking and lost in that mindset of investment and what if i invest more? Finding that boundary, in a world where you can act so seamlessly. Its a way the environment allows you to put more funds in, but also be aware that it is your psychological state that makes you vulnderable to such instances. When one is underslept, abit less mindful, upset from work, these can feel like real tempting possibilities rather than simply going forward with real baseline strategies and clear vision. So im stepping back from that. Analyzing myself and where things will go. I cant invest in everything, nor is it my intention to. But really be clear minded on what is realistic, feasible. Dont get immersed in your head to the extent you loose touch of reality, thinking every project is that golden ticket. Dont make it do binary of the golden ticket. Use it as a chance to educate yourself about new parts of the world. Diversifying your savings, and supporting organizations and different creators. Follow the money in some stages, but also follow your heart, your gut. Yes, there will be the project that gets super popular that you didnt invest in when you should have. That will be a part of this journey that you need to accept and come to peace with. You wont, nor should you expect to, win the lottery. We all could have bought tickets there, took that job, made that choice, where the cards would have played differently. That is inherent in most peoples lives. There are a few who had the lucky moments and lucky breaks. Some maybe doing what your doing. But find a healthy balance. Dont bank on following in footsteps you cant control. And dont set yourself up for disappointment that could have been avoided. Those are crucial, vital aspects in this. Find your equilibrium. With more money, lifestyle goals, career goals, they all play into the choices you will make. Feel solid that your not relying on this. It cant, and shouldn’t by your ticket to change. Dont rely on someone else following their mission to fund yours. If your mission is to fund others be clear in that, but if its about other things recognize you’ll invest differently. Know thyself. Find ones balance and center feeling. Those are the individual aspects of being alive, we all have our own unique needs and compass. We have some overlap, but never all. Celebrate that, and do your work to not over lean or over fall one way or the other.

Over investing

I fear im doing this lately. Putting too many eggs from my basket into the pot. I feel like the gambling addict. The poker junkie. I feel pretty balanced in other areas, but find my limits and boundaries here get pushed and changed far too quickly. Im concerned, but also chasing highs. Chasing these dream wins. I supoose thats what every addict chases, the rush.

What society do we live in where we chase that? Is it a capitalist society, to be the winner? If i was that, sure id have an easier ride, more leisure and less stress. What a fun experience for me. It doesnt change this model where few people have that while many dont. Thats the fundamentals of captisilism. I try to retract from over leaning so far into risk that one looses themselves. I try to see investing from a more holistic view. Who am i investing in. If this project had no payoff to me for money, would i still invest? Is there more beyond money that i care about here. Am i supporting a future i dont even believe in simply for money? What will come of that? Am i chasing a future. Am i investing now in that future me? And am i making bigger risks then i need to for bigger wins that i dont need? Where is healthy investing, in my stability and future, and where is recklessness, betting all that potential on instead something more hyper, bigger. I wonder that. I keep coming back to seeing the humanity in what im doing. Im investing in people, projects. Im investing in ideas, organizations, inventors, creators, believers. Its important to invest in these people. And to see beyond the daily wins and losses. A mighty vision will have down days. Other will have headline news while you have had repedative weeks. Those are aspects of this path. What is deeper then financial return. True understanding. Real care and curiosity. A willingness to learn. You may not find the best product, or support the greatest. Other opportunities may be better, may be that great one. Thats not the point. Find something you stand behind. Its not a leader board, or competition, or a number game. Let your heart be the investor. Let your love be your leader board. Use the daily rhythms to tell you how to grow. These are how we rebound. Find things you believe in. Not just organizations you want to make money from. Invest for something deeper

Workaholic

Ive been doing good on posting with specific topics past few months, but see that pace sort of fell off. Its not so much that i cant write new things as much as i feel im starting to burnout. And just want to breakout of the shackles of structure and must doings. I made some loose goals this year to blog more, do Duolingo. Volunteer at farmers market. Daily time spent on the brilliant app i bought. And well. Its the last month of the year. Its sort of like the playoffs. And i feel in some ways like im starting to checkout of my goals. Its feeling abit confronting to see what capacity i have. My mind has so much more energy then my body, and that can be challenging to let it run the show. Trying to let it be. To show up even tired or exhausted. Not the easiest task. Is it any different then alot of athletes?

I guess thats where the question of workaholic comes in. Setting goals that perpetually keep you more busy then not. Now i acknowledge these goals dont realistically take too much time. They are not hours each. And in someways its the fact i havent fully committed to them that makes them harder. I do them sort of on a whim when i remember. I just find my intention at the beginning of the year isnt really matching my execution at the end of the year. Feeling more drained. And just wanting to focus on one or two of them. Well. For now my goal is to follow through. And then take these lessons into next year. Live in that discomfort that ive over committed and also acknowledge your coming close to the finish line. Dont quit yet. Dont jump yet. Workaholic? Or just expected fatigue. The struggles to even keep up reasonable expectations. Very possible and realistic. And to see where i loose momentum. The better things are. In some ways the less motivation i get. Why bother sort of energy. Its all a mental framing. Own the goals you set for this year. If you see them through youll really experience what too much is. If you loose accountability, youll just do the same thing in a few years from now. Try to keep balanced and structured, even if you crave to rebel and deny it. Itll sort itself out. Dont have to be perfect. Or a workaholic. But try.