Change gears

Ive been writing about lack of focus, addiction, money lately. Today im going to reflect on self care.

Its startling how different of a perspective one can have when they are speaking to themselves from a nice place. I think about those aspects, self love, self trust, gentleness with oneself. Compassionate speaking, and a real loving outlook for ones self and for others.

I can really be on edge and picky at times, and i find when i start to engage in thoughts like this i sincerely relax. I relax differently then a sedative. Its not that oh my mind is racing but i cant feel it. Or that its happening but im focused on something else. Or too tired to be effected. Instead that voice that is the root and power of all that is sincerely quieter. Is not feeling a need or urge to show up. What good is panicing if there is nothing wrong. These mindset flips are strange. They happen sometimes instantaneously, even though moments before i was fully in a stressful outlook to anything. I cant explain how those rearrange and flip so quickly. It can be a shock to say the least. The shock value shows just how off centre i must have been. Its like having water when your thirsty, or a warm blanket when you are cold. How would you even know you needed those things? How unaware are we of our needs and limits that we go so long suffering self willingly? This feels very eastern philosophy, yet i think were just so blind to our own realities. The world we see is how we perceive it. Not everyone lives in that same one. How stress clouds our perception. How joy and pain are expressed from the same person. One day the world is a safe trusting place, another day its not. It is us flipping, rather than reality.

These feels a step back from the world playing before us. The work hours, gas prices, bank account, dinner menu, hair cut, are all so insignificant. Are small details, distracting from the actual essence of it all. I feel that understanding and essence more when i really allow myself to let go. To stop the rat race of thoughts and breathe through it all. Sometimes the solution is to not obsess on the problem. The problem isnt the problem. Thats far beyond us sometimes, when every wrong is a hammer and nail outlook. Weve exasperated life to a complex boardgames, of games with games with games. Its a rabbit hole of complexity. Its beautiful, and at its core, a game. Can you be objective when your playing a board game at home? Ofcourse its different. My bad days have real tangability beyond a game. My stresses and journey im on are at times never ending or deeply difficult. Im not trying to down play or invalidate those.

I get stuck at these points. Trying to use my few good insights to explain or change my bad ones. Im not hoping to downplay someone elses life who is trully going through struggle and pain. And an affirmation is perhaps the least of a solution sometimes in life. I recognize that and get that. Those dont mean this doesnt exist. That relief and gentle listening to a more loving person inside of you. Yes, alot of hours in my life, im far from this. And i can say, when i do fall into those moments, and witness it, it feels lovely. Light. Easeful. I feel patient. Forgiving. Curious. Warm. Loving. Its not on demand. And not always possible. But when i do feel it i try to receive it. To be grateful for it. Its like a bird at close. Its there. Momentarily. Soon ill be underslept, over worked, and rebounded to my autopilot. I acknowledge that. Its not easy but is apart of the journey. Im not philosopher, or expert, just trying to explain and share my experience. No explanation is for everyone. And there are times where i would read this very thing suspiciously, critically, and dismissively. I get it. Thats totally fine. Its not meant to be for everyone, no one is. Hopefully its just me discovering a new part of myself and trying to understand and learn about it.

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