Compulsiveness

My past few posts have had themes of cryptocurrency and investing, aswell as addiction and boundaries. These are subjects im still focusing on as they are elements of myself that still surprise me and control me at times.

The crypto side of me feels very drawn into investments. Not being very clear about how much ill invest but just riding on the whim of my emotions. If something seems good ill invest. Now, im concerned if god forbid the crypto market crashes i would be very sad, and need to balance my emotions and choices here. To invest in a way where you are protected from that. Yet i feel myself scared ill miss on a big chance to grow an investment. If over 5 years it grows substantially, ill be upset i didnt put more in at the time. Its that fear that motivates and influences me, so i need to be clear on that. Supposedly 5 years from now ill still be working, earning money, advancing a craft, so im not looking to these to necessarily fund my life. They are added bonuses if they go up. I dont consider myself very materialistic and have no desires for an expensive home or car, but can see the importance of say a down payment, should i choose to go this route. That desperation for a lifestyle change or growth can be the starting of an addiction. Are you looking for an easy way to create change, getting lucky on some investment? Or is that where a portion of your savings go while your work and consistent growth is the true bedrock of your finances. Investments are good and appropriate, but i find i drain myself on research that i loose the energy i need for my more real world responsibilities. I find myself at work more distracted. As i drive feelings its a waste of time to not listen to a podcast on crypto. Have i sincerely begun to go too much one way. How can i feel solid and grounded while im betting on luck or things seemingly out of my control to unfold in a favorable outcome( and that what benefits me may detriment someone else). These impulsive, knee jerk responses. Like the gambling addict, thinking they have that real chance and thing. Its about having your money do the work for you, rather than you constantly thinking and lost in that mindset of investment and what if i invest more? Finding that boundary, in a world where you can act so seamlessly. Its a way the environment allows you to put more funds in, but also be aware that it is your psychological state that makes you vulnderable to such instances. When one is underslept, abit less mindful, upset from work, these can feel like real tempting possibilities rather than simply going forward with real baseline strategies and clear vision. So im stepping back from that. Analyzing myself and where things will go. I cant invest in everything, nor is it my intention to. But really be clear minded on what is realistic, feasible. Dont get immersed in your head to the extent you loose touch of reality, thinking every project is that golden ticket. Dont make it do binary of the golden ticket. Use it as a chance to educate yourself about new parts of the world. Diversifying your savings, and supporting organizations and different creators. Follow the money in some stages, but also follow your heart, your gut. Yes, there will be the project that gets super popular that you didnt invest in when you should have. That will be a part of this journey that you need to accept and come to peace with. You wont, nor should you expect to, win the lottery. We all could have bought tickets there, took that job, made that choice, where the cards would have played differently. That is inherent in most peoples lives. There are a few who had the lucky moments and lucky breaks. Some maybe doing what your doing. But find a healthy balance. Dont bank on following in footsteps you cant control. And dont set yourself up for disappointment that could have been avoided. Those are crucial, vital aspects in this. Find your equilibrium. With more money, lifestyle goals, career goals, they all play into the choices you will make. Feel solid that your not relying on this. It cant, and shouldn’t by your ticket to change. Dont rely on someone else following their mission to fund yours. If your mission is to fund others be clear in that, but if its about other things recognize you’ll invest differently. Know thyself. Find ones balance and center feeling. Those are the individual aspects of being alive, we all have our own unique needs and compass. We have some overlap, but never all. Celebrate that, and do your work to not over lean or over fall one way or the other.

Advertisement

Over investing

I fear im doing this lately. Putting too many eggs from my basket into the pot. I feel like the gambling addict. The poker junkie. I feel pretty balanced in other areas, but find my limits and boundaries here get pushed and changed far too quickly. Im concerned, but also chasing highs. Chasing these dream wins. I supoose thats what every addict chases, the rush.

What society do we live in where we chase that? Is it a capitalist society, to be the winner? If i was that, sure id have an easier ride, more leisure and less stress. What a fun experience for me. It doesnt change this model where few people have that while many dont. Thats the fundamentals of captisilism. I try to retract from over leaning so far into risk that one looses themselves. I try to see investing from a more holistic view. Who am i investing in. If this project had no payoff to me for money, would i still invest? Is there more beyond money that i care about here. Am i supporting a future i dont even believe in simply for money? What will come of that? Am i chasing a future. Am i investing now in that future me? And am i making bigger risks then i need to for bigger wins that i dont need? Where is healthy investing, in my stability and future, and where is recklessness, betting all that potential on instead something more hyper, bigger. I wonder that. I keep coming back to seeing the humanity in what im doing. Im investing in people, projects. Im investing in ideas, organizations, inventors, creators, believers. Its important to invest in these people. And to see beyond the daily wins and losses. A mighty vision will have down days. Other will have headline news while you have had repedative weeks. Those are aspects of this path. What is deeper then financial return. True understanding. Real care and curiosity. A willingness to learn. You may not find the best product, or support the greatest. Other opportunities may be better, may be that great one. Thats not the point. Find something you stand behind. Its not a leader board, or competition, or a number game. Let your heart be the investor. Let your love be your leader board. Use the daily rhythms to tell you how to grow. These are how we rebound. Find things you believe in. Not just organizations you want to make money from. Invest for something deeper

Workaholic

Ive been doing good on posting with specific topics past few months, but see that pace sort of fell off. Its not so much that i cant write new things as much as i feel im starting to burnout. And just want to breakout of the shackles of structure and must doings. I made some loose goals this year to blog more, do Duolingo. Volunteer at farmers market. Daily time spent on the brilliant app i bought. And well. Its the last month of the year. Its sort of like the playoffs. And i feel in some ways like im starting to checkout of my goals. Its feeling abit confronting to see what capacity i have. My mind has so much more energy then my body, and that can be challenging to let it run the show. Trying to let it be. To show up even tired or exhausted. Not the easiest task. Is it any different then alot of athletes?

I guess thats where the question of workaholic comes in. Setting goals that perpetually keep you more busy then not. Now i acknowledge these goals dont realistically take too much time. They are not hours each. And in someways its the fact i havent fully committed to them that makes them harder. I do them sort of on a whim when i remember. I just find my intention at the beginning of the year isnt really matching my execution at the end of the year. Feeling more drained. And just wanting to focus on one or two of them. Well. For now my goal is to follow through. And then take these lessons into next year. Live in that discomfort that ive over committed and also acknowledge your coming close to the finish line. Dont quit yet. Dont jump yet. Workaholic? Or just expected fatigue. The struggles to even keep up reasonable expectations. Very possible and realistic. And to see where i loose momentum. The better things are. In some ways the less motivation i get. Why bother sort of energy. Its all a mental framing. Own the goals you set for this year. If you see them through youll really experience what too much is. If you loose accountability, youll just do the same thing in a few years from now. Try to keep balanced and structured, even if you crave to rebel and deny it. Itll sort itself out. Dont have to be perfect. Or a workaholic. But try.

West Coast

I have a calender infront of me of West Coast of Canada. It has islands, mountains, forests- typical Pacific Northwest nature. The surroundings are ripe with color, majesticness, snow or summer, lakes and flowers.

I dont tend to do this. Most of my posts are more theoretical, psychological, its a more adventurous side of me to write about something seemingly factual. Nature, landscapes. Its ironic we go to these places to discover some of our most core beliefs and insights. About humility, being so small. This nature would exist if humanity wasnt here. It will outlast us. And each leaf, each grass, each color, so overlooked. Its just too difficult, incomprehensible, to take in all the details.

For something so amazing, so accessible, its ironic its not more important and intertwined with us. Beautiful scenery is more accessible through media, calenders, photos, than actual life. These places exist beyond a picture. These are real epicenters of life and biology. Of history. Chemistry. Yet its more acceptable to see a movie on it then to explore it ourselves. Whats the consequence of this sort of armchair living. One bit detached, watered down, from the true thing. At one time did people really exist, belong, survive and live in these places we now call postcards. Its almost like window shopping, where we would love to go but dont embark too. Too much dreaming and not enough actualuzing.

I live in the West Coast, but through my eyes, I exist in a small home, on busy highways and city streets, in a few stores, and a few homes where im doing renovations. These titles of epic mountains , various oceans, forests (some 15 minutes away) are as good as fantasies. Things that exist beside me i dont even recognize. To think people pay so much to live in these cities, to once in a while see some nature.

I wonder, are there people really making more use of all this. In nature many times a month, couple times a week. Planning bigger trips. Going camping, exploring, discovering new places beyond parks, gardens. Sure it does take a vehicle. But id argue it takes a commitment. A focus. There are many with cars who dont go. Many with time who dont go. And many with little that go. The point is valuing it. Even if one doesnt go, can they atleast recognize the value of it. The fact the picture and video clip cant do justice to being there. Ive heard it said like a mountain scented air freshner cant tell you what the mountains are like. Its that honesty, that knowledge and awareness of what’s trully out there to be seen. And what are we compromising it for? What are we replacing some of the most incredible beauty with? These are the places and things we are needing to discover. Recapture. Remember.

New here?

Few posts i like for first time readers

https://enthusiadam.wordpress.com/2020/04/07/collection-of-thoughts-2/

https://enthusiadam.wordpress.com/2021/02/17/aushwitz/

https://enthusiadam.wordpress.com/2019/09/15/vipassana-seeing-in-the-dark/

https://enthusiadam.wordpress.com/2019/09/12/collection-of-old-raps-from-5-10-years-ago/

https://enthusiadam.wordpress.com/2019/02/23/window-seats/

Appreciation

We can be so impulsive to describe what isnt working or why something is wrong. And overlook what value things in our lives give us. It can be such a common oversight. Neglecting what matters to us, over emphasizing whats new, whats next, what hasnt happened. We can be quick to forget those in our constant new world. I wonder how other cultures and times dealt with this. Why do we not ‘see through it’ naturally. Why are we falling victim to these forces that blindside us and that we dont understand. How can we be so unprepared to live in a society and times we find ourselves. Is knowing not enough. We know the world moves quick. To cherish those people and moments in our lives. Yet, we are distracted. Loosing priority of what matters. Must we wait and hope the times change for us to transcend this. Will we be victim to these over stimulation environments. I contemplate that. Clearly the over stimulation validates something for me. The need to constantly learn, quick growth. Is growth simply dopamine hits? Is it more holistic then that, or is it isolating one part of the human experience and claiming that to be enough. These theories and ideas are a reflection of our world, and challenges everyone will face. To make these a priority is to put less influence on the things around us. Making the best of everything suddenly is about needing less. Not taking any and every opportunity. Its a psychology of seeing that more has more setbacks. More complications. That simplicity. Contentment. Self-acceptance. Completeness. These are all emotions we arnt relying on the world outside us to validate. They are psychological states that are about deciphering between ourselves and the world around us.

[Insert title here]

For years the ferry rides to the islands and looking at the ocean have been things ive really identified with. The vastness. The sheer amounts of water are unfathomable. In a universe where we are searching for water, its a miracle to be where we are – perhaps one of the few places in the solar system where water like this exists. What a phenomenon. I see it as god. I feel so humbled and small compared to such magnitude of size.

I find my cold dips have taught me alot. Eventually, the water always wins. I can stay awhile but eventually i need to acknowledge my limits and leave. The water outlasts me. It has more strength, its being so powerful. These forces i respect. I learn to absorb its strength. But i can only take so much, eventually, it says its time to leave.

The ocean so blue. The mountains look blue too. Yet the mountains are forests, why do they look blue? Ive read about this. As objects are further the colors change. The reflection of the sky. Such an interesting phenomenon.

Unrelated to islands or water, ive been thinking. You know when your approaching a red light on a bike, and another biker is there before you and has pressed the crosswalk button before you, and by the time you arrive the light is green for you? I wonder if this is whats Teslas done. It was in the ev world first, it hit the button, waiting for society to change, and now that its that time, all these other EV companies are building off that momentum they helped create. I wonder if thats whats happening.

With extreme winds, powerlines are fragile. Will these fears spur peoples interest in renewable energy. Solar panels on the roof insulate you from vulnerabilities in the transmission lines, if say they fell. Wind turbines can be closer to big cities, then say hydro dams, coal plants, etc, thus reducing the distances between where electricity is generated and where it is used. I wonder. I think climate change is accelerating these solutions.

I think thats all thats on my mind. Sending a hi from my ferry ride!

Stocks

Today was socializing with my roommates about how investing is more accessible then ever these days. The ability for people to take money out of a bank and invest is so seemless. To invest in apple or tesla years ago must have been such a more complicated procedure. How will businesses change with people being able to invest easier. Being able to get funding quicker and faster. And everyone chasing those unicorn evaluations. Being able to say they invested in the big company. Its important to recognize people bought in companies they believed in. Ceos they believed in. Thats really the essential piece to all this. To really believe in what your buying. Yet maybe that wont make you 1000x your money. There is still is that temptation forsure. But it is a willingness to learn. To see where change makers want to take things. To follow and believe in those that have vision and ambition. Trust that. Thats the force behind the numbers. Invest in those people. Really look beyond the headlines and prices and see who has a philosophy and vision you can really stand behind. Thats what your trying to seek out. Even in crypto. How many of us know the creators. Know their ideas. Their mindset and why they are building what they are building. Thats a big piece to the puzzle. See where there is talent. A world vision worth fighting for. See where the road is going. Thats the fun of that world. To be involved. To see others succeed. But i have my own contradictions. Id love to see tesla succeed, and acknowledge as worthy as it is for investment, will i invest elsewhere where my money has more influence. More potential to grow. Which companies are already alive and sustaining, and which are still seeds needing support. Thats a big piece in everything too. See that its about finding what you love and feels alive. Find that spark and follow it.

Buy a mirror and not a magnifying glass

How much of our pain and challenges are a direct reflection of our own emotional world, our own programming. Sometimes its hard to know how much, because we live in a society where many can live without ever realizing or acknowledging that. At times i even wonder, is this all just a make believe lense to view emotions and intensities we dont understand.

Its extremely tender areas inside to examine, and to give the ‘proper diagnosis’ to whats occurring inside you and in the world around you. Each of our pains leads to a different intuition and lense. It can be hard pressed forsure. Where is the truth anyways? Is it in the silent, painful, uncomfortableness of our thoughts, alone time, being? Its like an optical illusion, from a stressed state we see others as the problem, from a light and reflective state maybe we see our own rollercoaster ride thats just too hard to conceptualize or explain. That ‘too hard to explain’ part, is code for too painful to feel. We think, blame, run, avoid, all to not feel pain. We exist in our heads cause internally its the furthest place we can run from our body.

As we centre in and examine these, we learn whats authentically us (or atleast get closer to it). That journey may never end (I say that cause old people still say it doesnt end). We have built such systems and structures and blaming mechanisms and absinthe from responsability that it feels seemingly ingrained, unseperatable, from our own selves. Do these things ruin relationships, do they sabatoge our dreams, keep us trapped in unhealthy thought patterns and minimize our self awareness. How counter intuitive that thinking brings us further. Analyzing makes things more confused. The depths of our experiences are beyond the surface of our habits and patterns. When we venture further than those familiar paths, we discover more options then seemingly autopilot reactions. In these places and times is where hope and true change come. Celebrate the strange journey, through the invisible world of emotions. Our past too, is invisible. Its a story, a memory, an antique sitting buried in the attic or closet, long forgotten. And in that invisible world lies the framework of how you will show up in your present life. What you see around you, is more subjective then you might think. Welcome that reality. Embrace the uncovering of your illusions. See the invisible, more clearly then ever.

Another day in paradise

Been a long day today. Sleep deprived from a late night working yesterday, and just generally in a mood of confusion and endless crossroads. Its a difficult time to be so confused. Chasing so many ideas, like a dog chasing its tail. Well, sometimes thats the tone and days of life – and thats fine.

I admire my posts here because they keep me connected to artistic, spontaneous, personal part of life. I like my heady engineering stuff i like to learn, but find this adds a charm to my day and personality. Im not here to riff on my achievements. Im acknowledging something is missing from there, and these posts make me feel closer and more intouch to myself and my creativity.

Now im not writing a story, not creating an epic trilogy of books. Its creative in the sense its free flowing, its intuitive what i write, but its not sci-fi, its not fantasy. Its very realistic. Its the difference i suppose between painting as identical to life as you can, and to paint as close to abstract as you can. Both serve a different idea of creativity from the same brush. One is sobering, one intoxicating.

So the formlessness of this blog persists. Im enthralled by that in many ways. How will this evolve and expand. Give it time and you will see. See how you have room to grow and learn. Feels good.

I see my food thoughts really come in heavy lately. I feel like a chef, imagining my next meal, fantasizing about it. Perhaps too much. Maybe thats my gift, to chase and create beyond the ordinary. Such is life. I enjoy that and just experience it for what it is. What that will turn into im not entirely sure. But i can be that. Breathe. What else to reflect on…

I ponder the civilization we live in with librarys packed with more then we can read and more restaurants then we can ever eat. How abundant we are. And what irony. For every book you choose to read, there are 1000 you wont. We live in an era where people try to read more, retain less. Quicker reading. How much of that is cosmetic, to be able to say i read that. I wonder if its like death. Hard to acknowledge how much we will never see or do. Are we trying to calm our nerves. By saying i read as many as i could. Who knows. Just witness, someone took years to write and brainstorm a book, and we sift through it like gold panning. How we want less from more people. Is that the method to peace. To pay less attention to more things. Im not entirely sure, but begs the question, are we too incapable to accept are smallness, just another book 8n the library, another meal amongst the restaurants everywhere. Can we coexist peacefully, indifferently, to the billions of people, endless options, and feel out intimate privacy amongst the never ending movement, stimulation, buzz around us. That lately feels like peace to me. Realizing what is is much easier then trying to fulfill some arbitrary game or race or pace. Relax. Breathe. It all starts to feel so clear in moments like that. Its not a quantity game, with money, experiences, supplements, etc. And that is a fundamental paradox to how many of us choose to live our lives. Sit in that. See where a journey like that can take you to.