STEM

Its amazing working in the library, seeing all the kids books on coding. As a kid those wernt around for me at the time (also kids books on reconciliation, environment, gender equality and diversity – much more aware times). It feels very interesting to see this big societal push for STEM (Science, Tech, Engineering, Math) jobs. Its great in many ways, yet I feel a slight sadness.

For one, STEM jobs by nature pay fairly well. As true as it is the future will rely on more STEM innovations, its also sort of glorifying a divide – those who have STEM educations and those who dont. If all aspects of society were paid the same it would be lovely, but there is a bit of a financial bias towards this sort of work. Sure – it takes education, which takes financial sacrifices and time dedications, but it still exasperates inequality. I just feel sad imagining a gap between the educated in this field, and those either uneducated, or educated in a field that is less employable or less in demand.

As great as innovation and technology is, it is overshadowing alot of the human connection and emotional aspects of life. I feel it would be lovely to have more of a balance of education in a practical tangible sense, but to also value a society where people have eye contact, small talk, and generally high levels of self esteem and belonging. Ofcourse these are hard to quantify, and dont pay the bills, and they just seem to be slipping by the way side.

I also find, there are so many job titles our there in these new fields. Atleast for me I feel I read them and just have very little clue what many of them mean – especially software or computer related fields. They all seem to overlap, and I suppose to me seem fairly ambiguous – I wonder if others feel this way.

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Engineering.

Ive been reading alot about engineering lately. Today, I spent time learning about how drones fly, what makes helicopters work, how engines work, aswell how sail boats can move forward in the direction of the wind. Also, how ‘curveballs’ work in sports, like a corner kick going in the net. Alot of it had to do with fluid dynamics.

Air is a fluid, and is put in the category of aerodynamics. And in water it was hydrodynamics. It was fascinating though. Things I’ve never cared to know about have been so fascinating. Turns out it has to do with differences of pressure. Im too novice in this to explain it, but youtubing any of the above things will do so much better than me explaining it.

Im here mostly to share my inspiration and joy ive had from learning about these things. Ive began to learn more and more about the complexity of the world. How car engines work is a marvel of its own. Computers, cell phones, satellites, its a really highly advanced civilization we live in – technologically at least. Its apart of life im really getting alot of joy and education from – recognizing achievements of modern day. Even simply how plumbing works, that when it rains vast tubes underground will transport it all. And that each house had pipes feeding it water in the first place – every single house and apartment.

The amount of electricity flowing in one city at one time too is phenomenal. And its an illusion to think electricity is moving from the plant to your home. Technically, it arrives from the plant, but it actually moves back and forth, 60 times a second – how does it get anywhere? It literally vibrates more than travels.

So yes, im sharing just the wonder ive been getting from learning lately. Even the fact that cell phones have little billions of little components all on tiny pieces of hardware. And these cell phones can perform millions of operations a second. Its all so…incomprehensible!

And yet, it is under our radar. Many of us use the car without thinking twice about the motor, flush the toilet, call the friend, switch the light, use the fridge, use wifi, bluetooth headphones, read about tesla cars, and know so little about the infrastructure of these – some we ever really rely on. Its a shame we are so disconnected from our elders, compared to other more ancient cultures. I think similarly, we are so disconnected from our surroundings, even our human ones. Yes, we are disconnected from nature, in our concrete, tech jungles we live in. I just find really understanding the small pieces infront of us gives alot of perspective to how and why things are the way they are.

Its such a rabbit hole, and I can go on and on. Even just youtubing (which has become my goto info dealer) how modern printing of magazines work is a trip. Ironically enough, even how the simplest things work is phenominal. You look at a little rc car, that has a sensor that tells it to drive straight over a line. The amount of code for things so simple is unbelievable sometimes, even basic websites too. The simplest technologies for the longest time to me were so misunderstood. I had very little respect for the complexity and work that is involved in it. Even the mechanical watch, have you ever youtubed that? How those things manage to work, without any batteries? Just F%$#ing brilliant. I find im not the best at describing things technically. I speak more emotionally than technically. Although, it could be great way to write meanwhile fueling my learnings. I just wanted to share abit about how ive been using my past year, and maybe inspire others to youtube something, and just see how it works, it gives alot of context onto all the work and effort that goes into the everyday tools we use.

The loop.

“Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited, whereas imagination embraces the entire world, stimulating progress, giving birth to evolution.” -Albert Einstein

I’m tired as I write this; I’ve been tired like this before.

I’m excited on a new idea, been here before.

This will be the one, I said that before.

I’ve blogged before, not blogged, chased new interests. Said I liked them, said I didn’t.

It’s all a loop.

And for a while that’s been my detriment. I go faster in the loop. Longer in the loop. But it’s all the same. The details change, timelines, people involved in my life during these cycles. Each new idea starts a craving for the next. Each day leading to the next. More goal setting. More empty promises. I’ve been here before.

And I’m trying to reconcile that. I’ve done many jobs, lived many places, and done many things. And I reflect back. Each of those was a new high. A new frontier for my curiosity. But where does this LEAD me to? Is life a perpetual journey of chasing ‘new shiny objects’? I’m trying to come to terms with myself. What’s present for me today, is nothing but a movie clip, with slightly different narratives, characters, plots, etc., from the experiences I had years ago.

This is slightly confronting. I feel like I’m living out a shorter version of Buddha’s incarnations, but on weekly, yearly levels. This cycle just keeps…cycling.

So I’m trying to question the program. What is looping? Why do we feel like our lives feel like cycles? Why do we repeat the same patterns with new places and people?

I feel like I identify myself by what the experience I’m having in the moment. “Currently I work here, live here, and do this with my free time”. But that seems to be changing for me often. Maybe others feel more settled and grounded in their lives, but I do reflect – what’s happening?

I feel cautious to set new goals, to set new sights. Nothing feels realistic anymore, its feeling abit jaded. I’m abit hurt from past failures, high hopes that never prevailed. Apart of me wants to rebel against this thinking, and just say my goal is no goals. Another part of me wants to write ON this specific subject, just like I do in my blog. It feels more real part of me. It’s incredibly humbling, to have these moments, they feel like omissions of confusions, frustration, dizzy trying to make sense of the world. Chase goals, chase dreams, but I just spend my time writing about how it feels so artificial. What do you do when you stop dreaming? When the dreams feel vaguer, or they don’t live up to the idea we put on them? Am I backing out too early? Calling it impossible and settling for less?

I’m here to just write. It’s uncomfortable to just free write like this, but honestly, this feels as true as it gets. I don’t filter it, I barely edit it. I just come and show up here. And speak. And it’s nauseous. And I’m hoping something can come from this. Clearly I don’t write stories. I am more psychology, philosophy. What is the dream for someone who is feeling harder and harder to pinpoint them? Are goals really the next step I need? Why is THIS the right one, when many times before THAT was the right one? Are we just seduced to systems that don’t work?

When I type this I do feel abit pessimistic, like maybe I just didn’t have the right support systems, and it wasn’t the goals that was the problem, but the structure to maintain the goals that crumbles. Acknowledge there are forces and feelings inside to manage. That there are always higher ideals and imaginations we could have for ourselves and life. To simply just navigate and sit and write. If this really impacts people ill accept that and welcome it. But in some ways, I’m here for myself. To just type and purge and release and let go.

Here comes the loop again, asking if this is valuable to others. Do others have time. Well. I say there are so many books, movies, things to do, is this fair to be there as well? I don’t know…Maybe none of the other stuff even matters. That’s a thought! Perhaps I’m chasing more stories and knowledge. This is me talking about what I have no background or qualifications to talk about. I’m not certified, I’m just imagining. Imagine if all those things that stop me from reading this peacefully didn’t exist, and there was really just this. Am I caught in a new loop? Where I’ll say “Wow that’s right?” and a day later be stressed I’m not ‘doing’ enough. Maybe it’s impossible to break free from that paradigm, and we will only ever get momentary breaks from it. We will forever be imprisoned by our desire for more information, by living in a world abundant with knowledge.

Well, where to go from here? This feels fun, feels adventurous. I feel experimental, controversial even. I feel like I’m just trying to argue for my own survival here, my own spotlight even. Maybe that too is all a waste of time. I don’t know what is and isn’t anymore. What fits into this box of modern knowledge? This feels more shamanistic, I can just call myself an ‘intuitive writer’, even though I really value education and knowledge. But I keep coming to THIS climax. This point. This moment of questioning, of decision making, of not knowing what to do from here, where to go next, how to reconcile all I’ve done, and how to trust where I’m going next. These blog posts of just chaos unfolding word by word, so neatly and gently. Is this what the world needs, another loop question. Insecurity, another loop. It feels impossible to resist. But my goal is just to name it. To expose it, but it out in the open. Yes I’m adding data and words to an already saturated and filled up internet. There are too many words already, and here I am, filling up the tank again. It’s a contradictory, inner conflict sort of experience.

Ok, this post will end, ill close the laptop, feel relieved, accomplished I wrote something about writing something. Done it before, but this will be a different done it before – a new one. Tomorrow, maybe even tonight, it’ll fade. I’ll watch YouTube, and begin the cycle all over again. Think about dreams and ideas, maybe write some more – capitalize on this new idea I have, just write about whatever comes up. Maybe these inner quarrels and meaningless posts are secretly my meaning. Perhaps I’ve been downplaying the instinct that does come natural. Perhaps I’m supposed to write what others aren’t writing. I just got to be blunt. My subject matter feels like no subject matter. I may read a Tim Ferriss quote and write nothing like him. I can feel myself trying to blend, dilute myself, adapt, and become more like them. It takes a lot of integrity and naiveness to just write what comes up. I can be my own worst fan sometimes. I just write and let it out, hope it manifests into something the world needs. I’m like the invisible painter, the closet designer, my thoughts, probably like many many other writers will just go unnoticed, unimportant, unneeded. The world has survived up until now without them and is still operating. Yet, I’m trying to just be what I am. To just show up and hope that message strikes a chord with someone. Somewhere. That hope is really a thing I chase, maybe that’s the loop. Hoping constantly to find a new way to impact someone, to connect. I’m not planting flags on that idea, for all I know I may deny it and not believe in it ever again, it’s my nature it seems. And that’s hard to accept, but I’m allowing room for it.

So paragraphs shouldn’t be so long, so I’ll hit return button and conclude here. Hope this meant something to someone. Yes maybe Adam should be more focused, educated, clear, deliberate, niche, out of the box, in the box, something. I can’t just keep critiquing myself, at least not write now. Time to just go with the flow and just let it be. Heres to the flow. The loop. Trying to straighten it out into a path.

 

On Daydreaming

I seen an inteview by Andy Weir – he wrote a cool book called The Martian.

He talks about that we cant simply daydream. Daydreaming isnt enough to get us where we want to go. I thought it was really inspiring. As a writer, thinking about it, imagining it, but not putting time onto paper and doing it. Alot of it is the vague sense or direction I have to it. I just sort of express, abit haphazardly, through many mediums. I think these days writers are very organized, practical, and sober in a way people. I say sober as just very literal and clear about who and what they are. I write a book about X, my background is Y, I want to be Z. It can be strange for me to feel so ‘flowy’ in this arena, to write abit more impulsively, and to try to be honest with what truly arises in me, even if it feels unstructured or hard to predict.

Its like a scale, between passion and results. The more I try to focus on passion, the less I write, the more inconsistent, the less clear I feel. I just ‘word vomit’ onto a page. It doesnt feel like it moves me forward, but in some ways im trying to trust in it for now, and just focus on trying to be inspired and motivated more often. [Sounds SO dreamy and unmeasurable]. And I know that. I can make it a smart goal and say read 5 motivational this or that and write x hours a day, but im trying to hold onto some romantic notion of fun, that it can happen naturally and fluidly.

Discipline is possible for me. Ive done it for many years now, accept in many areas besides this one – which is ironic. How hard and dependable we are to things that we dont have as high of a priority to, and how slow and sensitive we are to things we really care about. What a double edged sword. The desire to keep it very natural and pure, meanwhile the inability to raise it to grow consistently in a healthy way.

Well, this is about less day dreaming. Daydreaming doesnt make writers. Or atleast daydreaming alone doesnt. One can never be a writer if they dont write. So here I am, groundhog day, every blog post in some ways. These guilt omissions that maybe im not doing enough. Well, live and you learn. Im here. Take the win and keep going.

Libraries

A library is like a physical manifestation of the internet, a simplified version ofcourse, but I think the analogy fits. Even the kids book section sometimes feels like blog posts. Quick. Creative. Small introductions to new topics.

When you google something, we tend to go to the first one or two websites, yet there are millions of search results each time. Are ALL those other websites just lost in the masses of data? Am I just website 5,234,234 when you type ‘Adam’ in google. At libraries you can stumble on things, its great for that. I find the internet we stumble onto articles written through famous media outlets, or through our circle of friends. Especially with algorithms, its like living in a library that is constantly changing, getting rid of books your unlikely to read, and buying ones you are interested in. For better or worse. I love libraries because I see so much I just wouldent see on the internet. Its so natural and easy to stumble onto things. It feels more random…

That being said, libraries are at times feeling like an antique shop or a museum. There are books collecting dust. Its abit of a romanticism to think we need all those books in modern day. I believe the rule that 20% of the books get 80% of the readership sticks even there. Which is a shame, and makes you ask – what are the future of libraries, and what do we do with books that just arnt being used.

During covid as well, with library book sales not happening, they dont have storage space, so alot of books are just being recycled which normally may be sold. I seen we got a new set of encyclopedias, a maybe 15 volume set. Unfortunately, the outdated set gets recycled. Shame information is so disposable. It may have only a few updates per volume, yet it is now trendy and makes the old one obsolete. You see it in technology. Things built so durable, yet are throw away too soon. Its such a paradox.

Its cool to also see whats trendy. We can immediately see what films are popular in other languages, what is current for kids these days, which authors have the most books. I see the Chinese section has a portion devoted only to kungfu books, a substantial amount! Things I just wouldnt know by existing in my bubble on the internet.

The day at the beach at Renfrew[old poem]

The ups and downs of the mountain are the heart beat, the log in the inlet, tug boat going west, ship preparing, bridge is bustling, sun is shining, and its cold. Its nice

The small wakes of the water, maybe its just getting up too. A whole day before me. Another tug boat.
Ozone I can feel you. So gentle and soft. Are you emotional today? Lazy? Water. So silent. Spreading all around the planet. Embody me. Ill embody you. Dreaming…

I am waiting for a storm that never comes. I plan, I spread the news, warn others. Make predictions I have to continually doubt and re examine. It’s a vulnerable task, this mission. Self elected. Widely wrong. What keeps me here you ask? Like sun shine in winter. A chance to surprise them. To help. To heal. Ive done so many other jobs. This felt…mine. Felt simpler. Our times are coming. I try to bridge that gap. Give you the tools you need between now and then. What do I see in the world? Industry, nature, people. Operating, growing, expanding. But to what? What for? Are we robots building robots. Where is our higher goal. Our bliss? Im like the shaman. Venturing to the outskirts of productivity. Where few have the time to see. I bring back rocks, and feathers. Proof there is something else other than the machine.

Sleepless updates

Been a bit sleepless past few nights. Find moments like this seem to arise out of nowhere. I usually journal (or aspire to) in moments like this, but feel ill try to blog this one as well. I find my sleepless insights to be more emotional. I tend to be more frustrated. Maybe a defeated feeling, confused…i feel that abit now. Reminds me of the Coldplay lyrics “When you feel so tired but you can’t sleep”. What spawns that in us humans. That contradiction. Sleep feels like its almost in the hands of another power besides our own. When we want sleep we may not get it. Strange. Humbling. Abit nerve racking too. The illusion of control. We can get to bed but not to rest.

Im not sure where ill go with this. I feel ive been good at burning energy these days, but apparently not enough. Cold shower. Push ups, some yoga isnt enough. Feels two sides. You want to exert energy to tire the body, and do something relaxing to tire it. But just one or the other may not be enough. I find when i do nothing physical, and am having a very calm day, my body may have no deep urge or need for sleep. Those nights can be more slow to fall asleep.

Well, this has become a collection or gallery of different sleep thoughts. On display my few ideas at this moment on a topic fairly mysterious. The miracle of sleep too. Living in a human era of very uncyclical living, meanwhile sleep is so unlinear in many ways. Its ironic, its 10.27pm as i write this. Not late at all really, but subjectively is just a moment i wish to be in bed. How to explain how writing can be relaxing? Its expressive, quiet, contemplative, and explores my subconscious. Just free writing like this tends to change gears inside. So unexplored those phenomenon. How our physical life is affected by our creative, emotional, spiritual. How writing does more then just document something. How sleep changes based on our state of mind. Its so obvious, but why are we perpetually arriving to sleep in an uncomfortable state of mind to it. That transition from day to night. Is that piece missing? The wind down. The gradual change. Night doesnt arrive like a light switch, but for humans it does. How does one embrace that. Not sure. Technically id be better off not having this phone light to my eyes, but pitch black wasnt doing it for me moments ago. So innovation, try something else.

Well. Ive made my post. I feel a big desire to just doze right off. Ill find out if those prayers are answered 💤

Blitz update

Hi hello hi! This is a report of the trenches of school! Got test tmrw, just miss writing and blogging. To be doing school well takes short term sacrifices like this. Part of the experience. Abit of a focus training. Fasting parts of life and zeroing on core pieces. Is good for the soul. To get lost in a narrow focus has its advantages. So this isnt a life changing metaphorical philosophical archeological investigation into life. No its an update. A short sweet one. So i can say i wrote. So the blog im paying for has some justification. A few reps is better then none. Thats the philosophy. They say rest but dont quit. Im relaxing my pace but not quiting posting. This is all i need. Cheers life and world. Back to the books. Zoom!

School, life, now, write

Im in school currently, and I have every excuse not to write. Yet, I just find when I get really motivated and in a good place I feel a surge to do it, even when circumstancially I tell myself I shouldent. Im too busy…Funny, I feel too busy for alot of things. I want to to watch this youtube vi.deo after this, about star-delta connectors. What that is, not even sure, something to do with engineering. Learning about the inner workings of the world has been a huge new surge for me. Learning mostly mechanical and electrical stuff, engines alot, and electricity, magnetism. Its a huge new frontier in the world of Adam. I also am suddenly wanting to do the chief Saturday. I dont have the time, and would probably have to leave home at 6. Ironic. I dont have the time, I say, but here I am, so clealy, I do have the time, I just have to sit with alot of inner conflict to do it. I have alot of shoulds I must endure, and alot of ‘other’ things I ‘should’ be doing. Well, hell with em. Nah, im kidding, but mostly just trying to come to terms. I find this act very creative and improv. Abit free spirited, and well, vulnderable, fun, and overall fulfilling. I dont have much I have in mind to say.

Ill talk about school. I noticed as someone who likes to be well prepared, it can be an exhausting habit in school. Always studying more, reading, etc. I feel for people who do years and years of this. What commitment, focus, wow. Ironic that was me at 17 for a few years, but I didnt have the same dedication I do today. I really try, I think back then I really tried to try as little as possible. It was an ends to a means, a constant not wanting to do the work. Now I find it more fascinating then I used too. Had I subscribed to the idea that people only do education when they are 17-21 for example, then I would have been in school during some of the more immature years of my life. Maybe it is better to go when your abit older. Sure you loose some grounds in terms of experience, but it does make for a very rich and exciting learning environment. I noticed myself constantly searching university courses and different degrees that are out there. Just to get ideas of what exists in this world.

Learning electrical these days has really inspired a real engineering side of me. It can feel tough, daunting even to imagine transitioning like that in later years of life (lol not even 30, at my ‘later years’, haha), but I do think that is a fault in our society. That over ease of beginning while you are young, and the struggle/inertia faced to change years down the road. I just notice that. Heck, maybe all these engineering videos are just fun past times, just things I want to learn on youtube when I can choose to follow my curiosity, and have no commitment to anything further, just expanding my horizons. Perhaps take the label off and just enjoy them for what they are – interesting videos, and if it leads further, great, if not, no worries. That sort of freedom is also nice, to just follow the road and see where I go.

Im also moving by end of this month. I find ive moved so many times. It bugs me, especially since each time I move I tend to be really resistant to it. How ive moved so many times in my life, bewilders me. I think of myself as someone who has barely moved, as someone who has barely traveled, and hasnt done many wild things in life. Even though ive done many of all those above, its just ironic I dont feel the identity of those things today. Those past experiences dont fuel me today, they fueled me many yesterdays. So its fun to reflect on that, how we can change as we grow. It takes a sort of leap to really not identify with your past, good or bad, and just live for the experiences you love today, even if they contradict your past, even if they were never on your radar. Years ago when I had the travel bug, staying in Vancouevr felt so difficult, yet walking on the beach so many times can continually reinforce the wonders of the city, and seeing my family so often, moments I didnt engage in as much in my early twenties. Maybe its what some people do in their twenties, or just what I did. Either way, I feel that vibe of being in a new chapter of my life, and it is interesting.

Also interesting Ill be 30 in a month. Ironic, I wouldnt have expected to be in school and covid at this time last year. Not exactly the birthday I would choose, but then again, theres alot about this year that many people would say the same about. Perhaps there is the common bonding in that, the novelty and comradery of the strangeness of the celebrations and challenges of this year. During beginning of covid I felt really elated. I was in a cool home, great people, and feeling really inspired and doing/learning alot. I feel past few weeks abit of that high gone, and sort of feeling the more mundane side of covid rather then the break from work, the relaxing at home. I remember thinking of covid as a time to go inward, yet im getting cabin fever of my own self. Especially with winter coming. So im naming that, seeing that. And its apart of the battle ill face, and im sure everyone faces their own unique one. We all got our battles, and its not a comparison of who has it easier, or who won bigger harder battles. We all have our journey. As textbook as it is to say that, its true. Mine may be these random blog posts. Once in a while, im like a seal coming for air. Showing the world this exists, and then going back into my reality and own world. Crazy but true.

Well to end this. Hmm. Glad I wrote. Showed up. That I can keep the energy alive and see what it brings. Be brave? I guess that how ill end it. Do something. I didnt have the time, but well, clearly I did. So there was something more behind that. I didnt have the emotional capacity to put more on my plate. I didnt have the courage to say maybe im procrastinating, delaying, have the time and am not using it, etc. Its alot more deniability to say I dont have the time. To put the blame on things outside of me. To prolong the already prolonged. Ill get alot of yes men energy from society that its ok, that its apart of life to get busy, youll get back eventually, and its true. Yet apart of me also needs abit of that bitter medicine. I did have the time. I didnt have the capacity, or the courage to do more then my emotions wanted. To leap. But today I did. Yippie!

Essay on writing, being, doing.

We romanticize the idea of being all in on our ideas. Like mine of writing. That one day ill be chasing that feeling. Maybe when i finish electrical, then ill invest more in it. I say it can wait until then. And that gnaws at me. That becomes a lazyness on my part. It takes away the hunger i have, it numbs it. I question, if i want to do it so bad, then why do i barely do it in my spare time. Its abit hard to really admit. I perpetually wait. Procrasinate. Writing about writing. And if i had no work, is be writing abiut what to write. What to do with my free time. Im very over romanticizing of things. I wish to write about Berlin, but do i. Do i want to imagine it more then do it. Where is the huslter in me now. What comfort am i clinging too. What discomfort am i avoiding. These thoughts are powerful. Some thrive when its do or die. When its work or not work. All or nothing can bring out the best in us. Its tempting. Bet it all. But where is that spirit in me now. Even in the life i live now. Where is that worker. That clarity that this is that moment im waiting on. Waiting for the day when i cant wait no more. Craving this perfect, idyllic place. Feeling. So misunderstood. Maybe im not taking the craft serious enough. I dont devour writing at all times. Dont consider it a craft, but, an art. Detached from the perception of practise and mastery, and over sold on the idea of “itll just come out perfect” and “if i wait for the right idea, feeling, passion” itll trandscend this. Ignorant the very people i idolize didnt have such a view. That that idea works..on a bedrock of consistency, talent, persistence. Is my one off blogs every week just a romantic hope. A realistic acceptance and action oriented pursuit. Or is it a slow burn. A side hobby. A small impact and small effort. Do i reap what i sow? And does idea mode and hope distract from the actual need for concrete progress and movement. I feel my blog is like self psychology sessions. Dissecting my habits, putting the mirror on my self. My patterns. Excuses. And well-clarifying my expectations. I have this belief i can just awake one day a great writer. Better yet song writer. Have no failures, embarrassment, trials and tough experiences along the way. A spoiled view, or maybe misinformed way of getting from A to B. Im too scared in ways to write about anything else then stuff like this. Personal, self assessments. I have an idea of something more, but it doesnt seem to birth. By tomorrow, or next week, the wind in the sails have gone. I havent made a clear commitment and goal for myself. I am vague on if its a sign of progress to write. Or is it better to read, exercise, call a friend. The priorities seem abit unexamined. So. Float mode continues. Be nice to know others. Who outside of school, are in a self induced project and focus. Who its not just work and then entertainment/exercise/eat/rest. I feel really isolated, or just uncanningly desireful for more then what i have now. I suppose we all have dreams, i just feel they are so inward for alot of us. Hidden from public sight. Unaware to our own selves at times. Awaiting that day. When were older, when its easier. Perpetually needing it to be easier. For the circumstances of life to favor us more. Some magic day. Where we feel it. Where things just click. I feel like you cant bake a cake with that mentality. Maybe life is a mix of clarity and unknown whateverness. A duality of action and hope. Of assertive progress, and self justified comforted procrastination. Well, moments like this are informative. I blog. I grow. I reveal. It serves many metrics. It will take time, but thats not a get out of work free statement. I cant control those things, but the battle i face is with myself when i ask, “do i really need to/want to write tonight” imagine im in a future, where i blog for money. Write for money. Electrical work is hard work, how can i possibly give the same energy to writing. Will i write 8 hours a day? Will that really be my life? Again , romantisizing, but just asking. Is that how we measure what we love, or want to do? If we will do it 8 hours a day. Fit into one model of work. One ruler. What if i write 3-4 hours a day. I guess i feel a sense of guilt. How many ppl in this world work the 40 hour weeks. And some do 20, 30. Good people working long hours. Its strange. Is society only allowing those who insist on 20 or 30 hour work weeks to get them. That 40 is the default, and its you who must choose. Society wont get you there. We are pushed one measuring ruler on us. Its our responsibility, and proof, if we ever want to change that. I have many ‘ideas’of who i am. Ones i presume will be happier, easier version to live by. These complex fantasys. Untested. And well, clearly not trusted enough or id be doing them. Maybe theres a sense of unempowerment. Can i really do it. Is it all just a fun story i tell myself. Where are the other dreamers? Scattered over various threads over the internet? Distant elsewhere. I suppose my introversion during covid has spurred alot of inner questioning. With less social contact, how do i perceive reality? How good is my memory…I feel i identify with my surroundings. Always needing reassurance that we all are striving for our best life. Our happiest future. Something worth fighting for. That makes us happy and excited. I go through waves of optimism. And waves of autopilot, where i dont think of writing. Travel. That is my new normal. Covid will go. These forces were alive before covid. The restlessness. Chasing what ifs. Dreaming to big for my capacity. Too many ideas. Not enough doing. Love to talk about the thing but not do it. Why??? It confuses me that notion. That we predict something is right or will work, yet dont test, attempt, go for it. Where is the lag in that? And do so many in society even have those thoughts? Is it just a forceful acceptance of life? Is that the old normal for many. Is it too painful to have a dream and nog go for it? Better to just have none at all. Can atleast try to say you didnt fail. Are we lacking more role models? More doers. Not sure. Are they among us and we dont even credit them. See them. Are we still blaming others or the system or money or age or a million things. There is always a scapegoat. Always a force justifying your pain. Your stuck feeling. How awful, humiliating, scary it wouls be if all this was just different versions of our own procrasination. Everyday a new reason. Who am i to blame if i dont write for a week? What task was more important, that i couldent pull out a simple 5 minutes. I have no sense of devotion. Im very whimsical. I have to remember to write. It sneaks up on me. Im very unintentional. Very unplanned. Fail to plan, plan to fail – as they say. Where is the self illumination here. The I am consitent regardless of X. And the X is always changing and always there. Hard to accept. To call on ourselves for more. To say, damn, maybe im playing it safe. Easy. Apart of the solution is the hardest role. Its uncomfortable, exhausting, and is adding more responsibility when all you (and everyone else) wants and craves is less. Im not responsible for the meat or to-go packaging or climate change. Theres a certain relief in that. What do i have to change if i am responsible. How much effort will i put. Its easy now to say im too small of an impact, so i can get away with anything. If everyone has that we go nowhere. This post has taken many directions. Its not my usual to have one topic. But maybe thats my own sense of entitlement. I can write however or whatever i want and people will have to like that for what it is. Until i have no readers or wonder why my writing isnt growing or sticking with others. I dont view this like a trade or service, that i am adapting to suit others needs, and maybe thats my downfall, or challenge. To let go of my preconceived ideas or comforts and be willing to meet in the middle. How i hate editing my flow, but is this for me or you? Or us. Maybe sacrifice is a healthy step towards harmony. Creating what people actually want to read. How i dream that what i authentically want to write is what people genuinely want to read. But the deer doesnt want to die by the lion. The hungover person doesnt want to go to work that next day. Having alot of “it is what it is” energy. And lately, by this point in articles im spaced out about all i need to do/should be doing, etc. How do you write for people like me? Where nothing is enough. How to capture that same part of me always in do mode. Well do mode is worry. Worried we arnt doing enough. Guess my best hope is understanding. That they get more insight here about learning of the cycle they are in then by going and engaging in it. That its more helpful to see the pattern then to do another task under the motive of that worry. Im writing for me in a way. This writing reduces my restlessness. And itll be worth it for others when it reduces theirs to read it. When that is/how that is, i dont know. Trying, but i dont know what to do. So i free write. Hoping itll come. And this insight is at the end of the post. It would take someone so much commitment to get to here. By the begining they may already be lost, uninspired, doubtful, on to another task of thing. How to start with attention. Beats me. Feel im apprenticing here, trying to learn and figure it out. Too bad everything in the world wasnt an apprenticeship. Where we got to learn by doing, with a mentor. School is that in a way, but it can be so unpractical. Ironic, i feel all my writing is just point after point of opinions. Clearly im a human containing alot of these, meanwhile i can be very humble abd gracious outside of here. What are others opinions? How do you voice them? Each has their way. I write to say alot. To notice my emotional response to simply writing. To feel my own senses, what do i feel like saying, but also what do i think people want to hear. And accepting my skill. Im growing, and thatll take time to be good enough to earn time. To earn readers. It will take devotion. And perhaps alot of work i deem good will go unread, unnoticed. Can be pretty demotivating. Why bother. Should i join the world, making more noticed work that i care less about. Maybe im liberated by the lack of eyes. These days are perhaps my most free of all. I have no category. No expectations. No rules to adhere to or identity i have formed. Im a blogger, read by a few friends and family. Following a vague feeling for 30 minutes. Trying to sort out what so many people say never makes sense – life. Chasing some mysterious feeling or sense. A form of vague hope. Wishing things go well. That some clearing the clouds happen and i just get it. I go full board on something. Feel much more concrete and focused on my life. Less guessing and vague and more chosen and understanding. If i want those alot then they are important resources to me, and anything valuable takes time and effort. Sure that may come, but it may take many posts and contemplation before i get to the other side. The insight is built brick by brick, not stumbled on like a chunk of gold. Gold mining was a lucrative way. And maybe my self perception was that way for awhile. Boom or bust. Chasing that golden ticket. Like everyone. But it seems there are so few success stories. People off the internet. How we all yearn to be that winning ticket. To show our friends and family whats possible. But we dream longer and longer with less to show for it. Our credibility falls. Our self trust gets questioned. When is a right time to second guess ourselves? Does age decide? Others? Whats our metric. When do we know when we are failing or suceeding? And what do you do when what you feel like should be working isnt? That statement encompasses so much. Thats such a core. At that point we may loose trust, step further out of our comfort zones, accept lower standards. Where is that part of us that can withstand those challenges. Can rise when at that point. Can build on all weve done right up until that point rather then get lost in the few things weve done wrong. Life really is a puzzle in that sense. Life is always a fork in the road. A battle of two forces. Maybe this is a rest period. A time of retreat. The years where you internally feel like your just not at full gear, despite being tired or doing alot. Its like an inefficinecy. It works, but not perfectly. Not flawlessly. What a word, a high hoped one. Who guaranteed flawlessness. Perfection. How rough it can be to accept the reality that it isnt, wont be, yadayada. But writing daily doesnt exist in a perfection world, just in the world we are in now. Everyone csn imagine a more perfect world. We have amazing moments, but we all have our dreams. Perhaps its naive to imagine that will ever change. Maybe the lucky few are just the lucky few. Some people feel very quick to accept that. Maybe its my downfall anf self suffering to not accept that. Maybe ill be chasing the thing that doesnt exist rather than relaxing, watching a show, eating, accepting the world as it is. Chasing that bliss, that vague, feeling. That music only you can hear and feel. How sad that is less common nowadays. And maybe its more common then i know. From the outside someone may look at me as one of those same people – devoid of a story if abundance, brilliance, loving imagination. We all have our paths. Maybe mine is to see that force more in others. That wonderment within everyday people, rather then select few. To assume its there. That’s its intertwined into humanity, our dna. Thst it cant be weeded out. How optimistic life would feel, hopeful. Well, thats my sense for the day. Im full of writing as always. Its not a chore, yet it takes so much admission to bring me here. Why it isnt like food, effortless, sometimes addictive. This is the oppisate. Sometimes daunting, avoidable. Even if the insights are valuable, healing. Like the cold shower. Every medicine is bitter sweet. Is a deviation from our auto pilot. Perhaps this is our struggle. The challenge of indulging in anything besides the everyday. Stuck in our patterns and cycles. We will go to same places, eat same ways, read same things, and struggle to trully invite new cycles into our lives. We dont shop different, so we dont allow new things in. We dont allow them in so they get less support and go through harder times, maybe dont stay around. Its a equal ecosystem. Esch needs the other, yet also resents the other. I need these moments of resistance and challenge as much as i need the comforts. The comforts justify the challenges. Ok. This blog post is now a small book. Thank you fo reading. Maybe no one got this far and i am here in my own little world. Its still worth it. Thats why i do it. ✌