Been a long day today. Sleep deprived from a late night working yesterday, and just generally in a mood of confusion and endless crossroads. Its a difficult time to be so confused. Chasing so many ideas, like a dog chasing its tail. Well, sometimes thats the tone and days of life – and thats fine.
I admire my posts here because they keep me connected to artistic, spontaneous, personal part of life. I like my heady engineering stuff i like to learn, but find this adds a charm to my day and personality. Im not here to riff on my achievements. Im acknowledging something is missing from there, and these posts make me feel closer and more intouch to myself and my creativity.
Now im not writing a story, not creating an epic trilogy of books. Its creative in the sense its free flowing, its intuitive what i write, but its not sci-fi, its not fantasy. Its very realistic. Its the difference i suppose between painting as identical to life as you can, and to paint as close to abstract as you can. Both serve a different idea of creativity from the same brush. One is sobering, one intoxicating.
So the formlessness of this blog persists. Im enthralled by that in many ways. How will this evolve and expand. Give it time and you will see. See how you have room to grow and learn. Feels good.
I see my food thoughts really come in heavy lately. I feel like a chef, imagining my next meal, fantasizing about it. Perhaps too much. Maybe thats my gift, to chase and create beyond the ordinary. Such is life. I enjoy that and just experience it for what it is. What that will turn into im not entirely sure. But i can be that. Breathe. What else to reflect on…
I ponder the civilization we live in with librarys packed with more then we can read and more restaurants then we can ever eat. How abundant we are. And what irony. For every book you choose to read, there are 1000 you wont. We live in an era where people try to read more, retain less. Quicker reading. How much of that is cosmetic, to be able to say i read that. I wonder if its like death. Hard to acknowledge how much we will never see or do. Are we trying to calm our nerves. By saying i read as many as i could. Who knows. Just witness, someone took years to write and brainstorm a book, and we sift through it like gold panning. How we want less from more people. Is that the method to peace. To pay less attention to more things. Im not entirely sure, but begs the question, are we too incapable to accept are smallness, just another book 8n the library, another meal amongst the restaurants everywhere. Can we coexist peacefully, indifferently, to the billions of people, endless options, and feel out intimate privacy amongst the never ending movement, stimulation, buzz around us. That lately feels like peace to me. Realizing what is is much easier then trying to fulfill some arbitrary game or race or pace. Relax. Breathe. It all starts to feel so clear in moments like that. Its not a quantity game, with money, experiences, supplements, etc. And that is a fundamental paradox to how many of us choose to live our lives. Sit in that. See where a journey like that can take you to.
Living in Free Fall 